


Stories of the Claim and the Fall

by whisperedthoughts



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Oral Sex, Orlais, Rough Sex, Sex, egg boyfriend, solavellan hell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-13 03:26:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11751084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whisperedthoughts/pseuds/whisperedthoughts
Summary: Stories of the elves that walked the Long Walk all the way until modern Thedas. All are told. Most forgotten.





	1. The Long Walk

**Author's Note:**

> The Long Walk was the journey the elves took out of Tevinter through Nevarra and Orlais until they reached the Dales. It is said many lost their lives on the walk and many returned to Tevinter. But many more remained and completed the walk to the Dales.

The Long Walk 

“Mamae!” Sorrion shouts happily and dances with his sister.  
Meya giggles and holds her brother's hands as she spins.  
My children, they will get to live free away from the masters.No longer are they to be slaves. Today we continue the walk to our land. Land far south, away from the masters, won to us by Shartan and promised to us by the human prophet, Andraste. Her husband, who betrayed her, and their sons made good on her word.  
“Mamae. Are we going to walk for much longer?” Meya yawns and her tiny fists rub her eyes.  
“I’m afraid so my da’len.”  
She pouts and scrunches up her nose. “Mamae...I wanna sleep.”  
I lift her and carry her on my back. I let her rest in the small sack I carried just for this occasion.  
“Make sure you take turns with your brother da’len.” I say softly to her.  
Meya nods and takes her afternoon nap.  
Sorrion puffs out his chest, “I don't need to sleep like that anymore, mamae. I’m seven now.”  
I laugh softly, “Oh yes, you are vhenan.”  
He smiles brightly and continues his marching.  
We have walked for no more than two moons now.  
Sorrion has worn his boots to the sole. My little adventurer cannot stop wandering and exploring. It's helped us find places to bathe and wash our clothes from time to time or find berry bushes as we walk. Food is growing scarce. There are too many among us making the walk. Many of the people turned back to Tevinter, choosing the security of a meal and clothes to the risk of freedom in a land no one has tamed for a very long time. I cannot blame them, I almost turned tail too, but I could not endure the idea of my children being treated the way I was. Like an object to fulfill a whim. The perfect tool for every problem or hardship. My life meant nothing to them nor did my death, but now it will take time for the masters to find elves to do their work.  
“Mamae, are you mad?” Sorrion asks gently.  
I only then realize I was scowling.  
“No, mir vhenan.” I reassure him. He smiles and goes back to looking around. I smile softly at my little scout.

It is hours before Meya awakens. Night has fallen and the stars guide our party. Meya rests in the small sack and notices Sorrion is struggling to walk.  
“Mamae, Sorrion is sleepy like me.”  
My body feels like the metal chains we wore. Heavy and cold.  
“Ah vhenan, good catch.” I lower her to the ground and carry Sorrion on my back. He protests but his weariness catches up to him. His face relaxes and he is able to catch his breath.  
“Meya, can you walk with Mamae?”  
Meya nods happily and her little legs keep up with my stride. I hope we stop soon or reach a sympathetic village or tribe to barter with. A snap of a twig pulls me away from my woes.  
“Meya, stay close to Mamae.”  
Meya nods and grabs my skirts as she walks.  
I walk closer to the group even if the stench is foul and the people move slower, best not be caught unaware again. Human thieves have raided us before. They take what little we brought and call it a mercy since they did not slit our throats or rape the women.  
Our gait is slowed to small steps that make bare feet ache.  
I cut off part of my dress to tie the cotton around Meya’s small feet. So tiny for a five year old. So pretty and bright. Like the stars in the distance.  
Meya tugs on the dress. “Mamae, I’m cold.”  
I pull out the only thing I was able to bring that wasn't food. A small blanket made of fennec fur and rags.  
She wears it like a cape and nuzzles her face into the furs.  
“It smells funny, Mamae.” She states unhappily.  
“Well we all could use a good wash vhenan.” I say jokingly to her. “Oof especially you.”  
She scrunches up her nose, “Ma harel! I bathed yesterday.”  
“Ir ableas, vhenan.” I say, pretending to be sorry for the false claim.  
She nods and offers a smile as an acknowledgement of forgiveness.

The sun is rising in the sky and soon the dark night turns into day and the terrain goes from kept roads to dirt paths. Sorrion and Meya walk kicking up the dirt to create dusty swirls in the still air.  
“I am a powerful wind god! See as I create dust storms in the desert!” Sorrion shouts enthusiastically.  
“I am an even more powerful storm goddess and I stop you from making storms.” Meya replies  
“Hey you can't do that. That's cheating.” Sorrion says angrily.  
“I’m a storm goddess I can do what I want.” Meya retorts defiantly. “OW! Mamae!”  
Meya’s shrill cry makes me look back. Her face is twisted in pain and tears are streaming down her little cheeks.  
“Explain why my two da’len are fighting.” I command them.  
“Sorrion pulled my hair!” Meya shouts.  
“She wasn't being fair!” Sorrion yells.  
Other elves are giving me nasty looks. The children are being too loud. I sigh and try to ignore the glares.  
“Sorrion, Meya,” I look them in the eyes, “We do not know what lies ahead of us. These roads are new to many an elf and we cannot pass safely if mir da’len are fighting and shouting along the way.”  
They look down, their cute little face show shame.  
“Ir abelas, Meya.” Sorrion says softly.  
Meya hugs her brother and sniffs. “It's okay.”  
I smile and hug them. Love for my children filling my heart. “Mir vhenans, mir solas.” I whisper to them. My nose wrinkles at their sweaty stench. “Mir smelly da’len.”  
They laugh and rub against me.  
I laugh with them and kiss their cheeks.  
“Come now, let's find a river to bathe and pick up elfroot or berries along the way.”  
They nod and we venture away from the large group, still keeping them within listening distance.  
A small stream burbles nearby. I undress Meya and Sorrion and make a paste of elfroot as they wade in the waters. I use the paste to wash their clothes just as I did for my master.  
Scrub. Rinse. Scrub. Rinse. Wring. Repeat.  
I almost feel his eyes on my back again. Making sure I did not steal a single thread of the golden garment. His eyes move lower, they are following the curve of my back. Bile starts to rise within my throat. I pant, my breaths short and ragged, then I feel one of his hands rub my lower back and his other rubs my hip. I start to shake with fear. Denying him would mean I face the same fate as Meera, who rejected his advance and was used as a replacement for the blood ritual slave.  
The stench of elfroot brings me away from my memories. The clothes no longer smell.  
“Meya. Come here.”  
Meya stops playing with Sorrion and I rub some of the leftover paste in her hair, then rinse it out. “Sit in the sun to dry off da’len.”  
She obeys.  
I call her brother over.  
Sorrion sits in the stream and I add the last of the paste in his hair then rinse. “Join your sister da’len and keep watch over the clothes. Don't want to have someone take your clean knickers.”  
He laughs and joins Meya in the sunshine.  
I wash the dirt and grime from my skin and face. We found only two stalks of elfroot so my hair only gets cleaned with water and not paste. We found no berries, which worries me. Maybe I can trade the some elfroot for some grainy bread.  
When I finish, I walk over and wake my napping children. “Da’len, wake up. The clothes have dried, get dressed.” I pull on my small-clothes and my dress.  
“Mmmm…Mamae no.” Meya groans.  
Sorrion yawns but obeys.  
“Meya, you may sleep later. Get dressed.” I say firmly to her.  
She pouts but obeys. I watch her fumble with her small-clothes and I giggle softly.  
“Mamae, halani.” She whines.  
I help her dress then we follow the sound of the steps to rejoin the group.  
I pick up another stalk of elfroot along the way and go around to people trying to trade for some food. Anything, as long as my children eat. 

“Please, I’ll trade you for some spare bread for my children.” My voice cracks and one of the men in the group stares at me. I must have looked savagely desperate because he hands me a half a loaf of tough brown bread and takes the elfroot. I smile graciously. Hot tears sting my eyes and I split the loaf in half for the children. Sorrion eats slowly. The bread must be awfully stale, that boy never had the patience to chew. Meya struggles to bite into it. I sigh and dip the bread in hot water to help it soften.  
They eat silently.  
It may not be the best meal but it's all I can give.  
At least it is something to fill their bellies.  
“Mamae, what will you eat?” Sorrion asks. He looks at me worriedly.  
“Do not worry vhenan. I ate the other half of the loaf.” I lie to him.  
He believes me and smiles.  
“Can you and Meya go to the Hahren to fill up our waterskin?”  
He nods and walks off with his sister.  
My own stomach aches from hunger.  
I can no longer ignore the pain.  
I eat grass to fill my empty stomach. I swallow dirt with it but I don't care.  
I eat till I can no longer stomach it.  
My stomach rejects the meal. It makes me dry heave until I taste bile and dirt at the back of my throat. I refuse to vomit. I would be left emptier. I manage to swallow it down and catch my breath before my children return.  
Meya runs and climbs into the sack, smiling.  
Sorrion runs up to me and smiles widely, “ Hahren Admael gave us tree sugar sweets.”  
“He said it was because our momma took such good care of us.” Meya adds.  
“He gave us one for you.” Sorrion pushes the small sweet into my palm then goes to pick up his shoes from the sack.  
I smile and save the sweet for them to enjoy later. Creators bless that man for his kindness.  
“Mamae can you sing me the sleepy song?” Meya asks as she sucks on her sweet.  
I oblige and sing her Mir Da’len Somniar.  
I feel her get heavy as she falls sleeps in the sack.  
Meya snores softly letting me know I can stop singing.  
Hahren Admael looks at me and nods and I smile at him.  
He returns the smile and continues to walk with his jug of water.  
“Sorrion,” I turn to him as I speak, “are you ready to continue, da’len.”  
He nods as he sucks on his sweet.  
“I can carry the elfroot bag, Mamae.” He says in between sucking the sweet.  
“Ma seerenas, mir vhenan.”  
We walk in silence as nightfall approaches. 

Five moons into the walk and we are deep into plains and hills. Vast seas of grass and very few trees to speak of.  
Sorrion and Meya scavenge for berries on their own and I walk in pace with them to make sure they remain within sight.  
“Mamae, I found funny hat plants!” Meya shouts as she runs to me.  
“Funny hat plants?”  
“They're bright blue like the sky and smell like dirt.” Meya says then sniffs at the plant growing on a carcass of a dead spider.  
“Vhenan! Do not touch them! You do not know if they are poisonous.” I scold.  
“I-Ir abelas, Mamae.” Meya says, “I thought we could eat them.”  
“Da’len it's wiser to eat the plants we know are safe to eat then gamble our lives on the ones we do not.” I use my hahren voice, as Sorrion calls it.  
Meya looks at her feet and nods.  
“I’m not upset with you Meya, I was just worried.”I say to her softly. “Will you walk with Mamae? She is getting a little lonely.”  
Meya looks up and gives me her big smile and joins me.  
Sorrion joins us a little later in the day.  
“Mamae, I found four elfroot stalks.” Sorrion says and holds them up, “Maybe we can trade for bread?”  
I smile at him, “See if you can find hahren Pawen. He needs herbs for his ailment and has some small dried fish and a loaf of bread he will trade for. Return before the sun falls even if you do not find him.”  
He gets a determined look in his face and nods. “Yes Mamae,” and with those parting words he sets off on his mission.  
Meya sneezes and twitches her nose.  
“Bless you vhenan.” I say to her. I love the way her nose twitches when she sneezes.  
“Ma seerenas.” She replies.  
We walk for a few hours humming songs together.  
She's like a little song bird carrying my tune and making it even more pleasant to the ear.  
Her voice is soft and chirpy and projects well. I stop singing and listen to her.  
“Mamae! I got the fish and the bread!” Sorrion shouts and runs towards us.  
I smile and sit so we can rest and eat. I ration out the fish and bread giving them the bigger chunks. They need to grow strong.  
Sorrion and Meya are all that matter now.  
We rest on the grass and Meya nuzzles her little face into my neck.  
“Sing me the sleepy time song, Mamae.” She requests.  
I sing to her softly and stroke her hair.  
“I love you.”With those words, she drifts into her slumber. 

We don't notice it until it too late. It took an entire moon for it to develop. How could we have known. She was healthy, only the cough made her seem ill but hahren Pawen had reassured me it was just dirt in the lungs. But I shouldn't have trusted the word of a magic user. Now my little songbird cannot sing “Her tiny lungs, are filled with mold.” Admael says gravely.  
Meya lifts her small hand to cover her mouth when she coughs. Her breaths are short and ragged.  
“H-How?” I ask bewildered. “She was healthy, no fever. No aches.”  
He takes me aside.  
“I have only seen this once or twice before.The mold comes from spores in the air. Most have a resistance, few get the disease.” Hahren says calmly, “But by the time we noticed it was too late to cure.” He looks at Meya sadly and she looks up confused. “It would be a mercy to lead the child into death rather than her continue sick.”  
The words are heavy on my mind but my response is quick and it comes out more like a snarl. “I will not kill my child.”  
I carry Meya in the sack and join the group once again.  
I feel her little body convulse from the cough.  
“Sorrion.” I turn to my son.  
“Yes, Mamae?” He asks, always eager to please.  
“Find some elfroot for your sister please.”  
He nods and goes to scavenge.  
“Mamae?” Meya’s voice is strained and soft, “sing with me Mamae.”  
We start to sing but her cough overpower her. Soon she's coughing so hard I have to stop.  
Meya doesn't stop coughing. Blood splatters on her little hand and dribbles down her chin.  
“Meya!”  
She coughs harder and harder until she's left light headed.  
I manage to clean her up before Sorrion returns.  
“Mamas. I have the elfroot.” He says.  
“Sorrion, stay with hahren Admael.” My tongue feels heavy in my mouth, “Tell him I will do what needs to be done.”  
Sorrion looks confused but joins Hahren Admael.  
I pick Meya up in my arms. She's so light but warm. She has always been a warm child. I remember the day she was born.  
Such an easy labor. She wanted to come out and her little cries filled the air. Feron had smiled and laughed.  
“My listen to her sing.” He was proud. His voice gave him away.  
I laughed and held her in my arms to let her suckle. She was quick to it.  
“Meya.”Feron said. “A name with a pretty sound for a pretty sounding girl.”  
Feron sat next to me and played with my hair.  
I looked down at her. She suckled so much milk it dropped down her greedy little mouth. “Hello my little Meya, I’m your Mamae.”  
She stopped suckling and looked at us. She smiled so brightly but toothlessly, we could not stop laughing and she breathed out air through her little mouth with the same smile that I swear to this day that she was laughing too.  
Meya coughs harder and she looks at me dizzily. Oh my little vhenan. I weep and bite my lip.  
“Meya, sleep my little bird.” I plead her.  
She dozes off and coughs hard.  
The river's water are loud and fill the air with voices. Loud voices that object to what I know I must do. I start to sing to Meya again. I lower her body into the river and hold her head down with my hands. Her little fists fight me weakly. I cry harder and sing louder. This is for the best. It is a mercy. I feel her little body stiffen but I still don't let go. I don't let go until the body is cold. I lift Meya from the waters and clutch her body. I sing to her corpse and cry until I have no more tears left. Her sweet little face now blue and grey. I start to clean her then braid her hair and close her eyes. I bury her in deep into the muddy bank. I walk back in silence. I don't even wash off the mud.  
I emerge from the woods and see Hahren Admael waiting with Sorrion on a rock.  
“Mamae.” Sorrion says and waves but then he looks at my hands and clothes. “Mamae you're really muddy. Is Meya muddy too. Did you two go play in the river without me?”  
I looks down at my child. Now my only living child,  
I hug him. I hug him so hard I wanted to make him a part of me. I wanted to absorb him into my body to keep him safe.  
“Mamae, where is Meya? I don't see her.”  
I hold him tightly and he seems to understand that Meya will not return.  
Hahren Admael looks at me and I give him an empty stare.  
“Let us continue the walk.” Admael requests gently.  
I walk slowly and Sorrion looks down but he clings to my skirt.  
We both hum for Meya. 

We walk a long stretch of road. It seems to connect everyone from every corner. I could only imagine how long it must be. How many lands it stretches across. How many dirts it has and yet is still called by the same road name. I hand my children their food.  
Sorrion looks at me worriedly. I had stopped eating and had given him my food once again.  
“Mamae, eat. You're bones are starting to show.” He pleads to me but I just shake my head.  
“I am not hungry vhenan. Besides your little body shows more bones than mine.” I look down at him and give him what I think is a smile. He looks down and finishes the bread chunk and the slice of dried meat. I traded 20 elfroot stalks for it. It took an eternity to find but I was happy to find him some meat. Sorrion was so thin despite eating the majority of my shares.  
We had met barbarians. Humans who adorned their bodies with furs and painted their faces in many patterns. Most allowed us to trade. Those who didn't would just watch us until we passed.  
“Sorrion, I’m going to look for more elfroot stay with Hahren Admael.” I don't wait for his response and fling the sack I used to carry Meya in, on my back. I hear Sorrion run in the direction of Admael. My body aches terribly. Each step I take feels like my legs were weighted. I suppose they are. I carry the weight of my son’s survival. The elfroot is scarce in this area. Mostly just spindleweed but I manage to find nine stalks of elfroot. I can gather spindleweed to make up for the lack of elfroot. I walk towards the bank of the stream. The woods had started to get dense again and Admael says we must be nearing our land. I kneel into the water and gather the spindleweed. I collect all I can fit in my sack and sit in the shallow waters for a while and scrub away the grime with a smooth stone.  
A soft grunt from behind lets me know I’m not alone. I turn quickly and see one of the men with the furs and painted faces. His bow is slacked but ready just as a precaution.  
He looks at me curiously and touches his own ears as he focuses on mine. Two nugs hang from his belt both look fatty. He follows my gaze and grips the nugs tightly. He stares me down. I point to the herbs in my sack.  
“I’ll trade you.” My voice catches in my throat.  
He looks at the herbs then shakes his head. He turns and starts to leave.  
“Wait!”  
He stops in his tracks and looks over his shoulder.  
Feron forgive me.  
I let my dress slip from my body. He looks at me amused. I feel his gaze on my breasts then on my sex. He looks into my eyes again and I point to the nugs.  
“I-I’ll trade you.” My voice is hoarse.  
He drops the nugs from his belt and motions for me to approach.  
I walk to him, shaking. I don't think he cares.  
He grabs both my hands in one of his and awes at how small they seem. His hands play with my ears, following the outline with his finer.  
He turns me around and pins me into the grass.  
I feel his weight on my back and bare ass. I feel his hand lower his fur pants. My body starts to shake harder. This angers him and he growls into my ear. He presses my face deeper into the dirt and slides in without warning. It's painful. Human men had more girth and it stung every time he slipped it in. I bite my lip in pain. I don't dare make a noise. His thrusts get frantic and he leans over to my ear and bites the tip hard. I whimper and try to buck him away but he's stronger. I feel hot blood slide down my ear and drip on my face and neck. He gives one last thrust and spends himself inside me. His breath returns back to normal and he stops biting my ear.  
I hear him pull up his pants and stand.  
I watch his feet walk past me.  
I hear him fumble with his belt and drop the two nugs into the grass.  
He puts his belt back on and then his steps start to get softer.  
I lift my head from the ground and crawl over to the stream.  
My hair is muddy and my face bruised from when he pushes me down. It will probably swell. My ear is red and has a hole at the tip from where he bit it.  
I sigh and wash my face and hair, all the while ignoring the pain of my sex. I look down afraid of what I might see.  
Dried blood and seed caked to the flesh of my thigh.  
I wash it off. I feel disgust and shame. But I did what I did for survival.  
My ear throbs in pain. I hide it with my hair. I can't hide the bruising but I can say I tripped trying to escape wolves for the nugs. I don't like lying to my baby but I can never tell him. He's so thin. His cheeks hollow and his stomach always growls. A growing boy should eat more.  
I smile because I know that Sorrion will eat well for weeks on end. I pick up my nugs and walk towards the group. 

Admael says that we will probably reach the end of journey in two moons. I can't last that long. My legs are anchors and they make my feet sink into the dirt. I cannot continue. I know I cannot. I would love to see this through for Sorrion, but that does not stop me from collapsing on the side of the road.  
“Mamae!” Sorrion is at my side in an instant. He looks so much like his father. My handsome boy.  
“Go on vhenan.” I say softly. Even talking drains me.  
“Mamae, please stand!” He's frantic.  
I smile as I lay on my back, gently stroking his cheek as I shake my head.  
“I cannot da’len.” His little face is nuzzled near my neck and I feel his sobs and tears. The tears leave my skin dewy. I shakily lift my hand and stroke his hair. He looks up at me. “I cannot continue vhenan, this is for the best.” I have never been so sure of anything in my life.  
“I’ll–I’ll get hahren Admael to carry you! He can—”  
“Barely walk himself. No, Sorrion it would be too much a burden.” I interrupt.  
He looks down and nods.  
“Before I go, can you sing to me, Mamae?”  
I sing to him with the last of my energy and my lids become weights that tug at my eyes. I lower them slowly and smile at Sorrion before I—

Mamae passes away silently. I lay whimpering on her chest. I feel her warm body go cold and then go stiff.  
“Da’len...we must go.”Hahren Admael gently tugs me.  
I look down at my Mamae's body. She deserved better. She deserved to die of old age in our new home. Meya should have never died so soon. And father was gone long ago, but he should be with us.  
“Da’len please, your mother would not want you to die here too.” He begs me.  
I must follow him. Mamae died trying to take Meya and me to the Dales. I cover her with little flowers that grow in the grass near the road. Little white ones that turn pink when the sun hits them. I hum her lullaby. She's going into a long sleep and maybe my singing will help. I stand and walk to hahren. He hugs me gently and we make our way back. The group looks at me sadly. Their faces hold heavy frowns, I wish they didn't, Mamae risked her life for love. The group camps for the night but hahren and I continue the walk, too sad to do much else.

The sun is getting low. It hovers over the human village. Hahren Admael said they call it a hold. We stopped to trade. Hahren trades the herbs we found and wooden trinkets he makes, for food.  
“I’m going to look around, hahren.”I tell him.  
He smiles and nods but reminds me that we are guests here.  
I look around at the giant sculptures they pray to. Big stones like the dragon ones in Tevinter but they are animals. Bears mostly. I wonder if there are bears here.  
“What are you?” A voice calls out from behind me.  
I turn and see a boy with painted swirls on his face and in heavy brown furs. A bow is slung on his back. It's smaller and slimmer compared to the bone ones his kin carry, but it doesn't look like a toy.  
“I’m an elf, from Tevinter. Well at least I was from Tevinter. I will be an elf from the Dales soon. Are these your gods?” I point to the statues of the animals.  
“Aye, they are. That's the goddess of protection, of home. The Great Mother Bear.” He says. His eyes never leave my ears.  
“Great bears?” I ask  
He continues to stare at my ears but nods.  
“Can I touch them?” He points to my ears.  
I look at him oddly but let his hand approach.  
“Like the funny deer with the twisty horns.” He whispers.  
My ear twitches and his hand jerks away.  
He looks at them for a very long time.  
“Soooo...ummm. What's your name?” I use my polite tone. Mamae always said we must be polite, even to the people we don't like.  
“Nechtan Ar Dunbe Bearhold.” He says proudly. He stops looking at my ears and looks at my feet. “Funny feet too.”  
I laugh and he gives me an angry look.  
“Those aren't my feet, they are boots.” I try to say cooly. I wanted to apologize for laughing but, it was too funny.  
“Boots? Not skins or leathers?” Nechtan asks. He seems surprised?  
“Well they are leather and some wood maybe metal?”I say.  
“Metal! Wood! In foot covers!” He laughs.  
I look at the bow on his back. If there are bears around here. Great bears even, then maybe…  
“Do you like them?”I say, interrupting his awe.  
He looks at me and nods. Almost excitedly.  
“I’ll trade you these boots for your bow and arrows,” I use my man voice. “I’ll even give you this too.” I hold up animal toys hahren Admael made me. He gave them to me out of pity. There are three halla and a wolf.  
“It's the twisty horn deer.” Nechtan picks one up. They are so small in his hand.  
“I will give you the bow for the boots, and an arrow for each toy.” He inspects the wooden figures, “Annis would like these as a gift.” He adds.  
“Annis?” Is that his mother?  
“My sister. She's tiny. Cannot walk without help. She spends all day playing.” He smiles and nods at me.  
My heart starts to hurt. Meya. She would have liked these toys. She would like this place too. There were more kids to play with and they didn't need to be quiet.  
“Is that a fair trade?” Nechtan asks.  
I nod and pull off my boots. They are getting too small anyway.  
The cold air hits my feet and makes my chaffed skin sting. Hahren tried to treat the sores on my feet but we walk too much for them to heal.  
Nechtan puts the figures in his pouch and hands me the bow and arrows after he takes my boots.  
“Fair travels, elf.” He waves to me as he walks off. Probably home. To his mamae, to his sister, to his father. I feel mad and sick. I want to cry and shout. How come he gets to keep his family and I didn't. Why did mine die? Angry tears feel warm on my cold cheeks. I swipe at my face, I cannot let hahren see me cry. He’ll think me weak and we’d have to stop walking. I pick up my bow and walk back to hahren Admael. 

The forest isn't really a forest. There are skinny trees here and there but, not many.  
“We should plant trees as we go along.” Hahren says to me, “They will grow big and strong. Maybe one day this forest will be covered in trees. Trees so thick and dense it'll take a group of twelve elves to wrap their arms around the trunk.”  
I laugh at first but then I remember a story hahren Pawen had told me.  
“Can I talk to hahren Pawen, hahren Admael?”  
Hahren looks at me shocked but nods.  
“Thank you hahren. I’ll be back soon.” I say over my shoulder as I run off.  
“Hahren Pawen! Hahren Pawen!.”  
“Da’len. Please don't yell like a lunatic.” Hahren Pawen groans.  
“Ir abelas, hahren Pawen.”  
“Why are you yelling for me, da’len?” Hahren Pawen asks.  
“Do you remember what you told me about the elves of Arlathan?"  
“Yes. Why?” Hahren Pawen says intrigued.  
“Well…” My tongue feels heavy. “I wanted to…”My voice cracks.  
“Plant a tree for them.” He says quietly.  
I nod. “But you’re the only one I know that knows of the old ways.”  
Hahren Pawen looks at me sadly.  
“I took two acorns from the trees that grow here.” I hold them up to him. “And I have improved my marksmanship, I can trade you a nug I caught this morning.”  
He hesitates at first but eventually nods.  
“We will do it tonight.” He says, “I must prepare.”  
“Ma seeranas, hahren.” I dip my head in respect.  
“Now run along da’len, back to Admael.”  
I nod again and return to hahren Admael. 

It is barley dark when we begin the task of laying the Mamae and Meya to rest.  
“Are you ready?” Hahren Pawen asks.  
He wore fancier clothing, smooth silk the color of the black sky and shiny beads like the stars in patterns that are similar to the stars we follow.  
“Usually we do this over the body but the Evanuris will have to see that these are trying times.” Hahren Pawen says to me softly.  
“I have the seeds here hahren.” I say.  
“Good. Before that though, you need to dig two holes. Big enough for your mamae and sister.”  
I get to work and start to dig with a wooden shovel. I hum the lullaby mamae sang to Meya and me. The night gets deeper and I wipe sweat from my face. I smell like dirt.  
“That should be good da’len.” Hahren Pawen says.  
I look up. He looks so funny. His eyes are yellow and squinty. His nose is long and hooked. Hahren Pawen looks like a raven. I climb out of the grave.  
“Here da’len, an oak branch for their walk in the land of the dead. And a branch of cedar wood to fend off the ravens of Fear and Deceit who work in the service of Dirthamen. May these souls find peace in their travels in the Beyond.”He turns to me and smiles. “You may plant them now da’len.”  
I start to apply dirt to the grave. Filling it halfway. I tenderly make a little pit in the freshly disturbed dirt and drop the seed into Mamae’s grave, then I fill up the rest. I do the same for Meya’s grave. Hahren Pawen slowly bows before the graves and chants softly. My skin feels tingly and the hair on my neck starts to stand up in excitement. What is this? It feels like the waves of the rushing river washing me. I get goosebumps and suddenly it goes away. I notice that two small plants have sprung from the graves.  
“Hahren! Do you see!” I look at him wildly and he gives me a wink. “Hahren? What was that?”  
He just chuckles and shakes his head, “Something even older than I.” He says.  
It must be very old then.  
“Ma seerenas, hahren.”  
“Go get some rest da’len. We still more walking to do in the morning and the Sun is almost up.”  
I nod and go back to Admael. All the while, humming the song.


	2. Early Halamshiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She fought for her people. Gave her all for them. Can she give more to them? Set aside her well earned peace to take up her sword and shield again to fight for them anew?

2\. War and Peace

She fought with the liberator of her people. What other choice did she have? She was the blood slave of a magister and slaves don't live to a ripe old age in that line of work. Besides a death fighting for freedom was better than dying for her master’s grasp for power. More symbolic to die the martyr than the blood cow, too. She never would have imagined that she would be successful enough to be a part of the nobility of Halamshiral, let alone to survive at all. But there she was walking to her new home.  
The streets of Halamshiral were empty at this time of day. It was so early that not even the birds were awake. But her new home awaited her and she was eager to get there before the rains. Her bare feet come into contact with a puddle. The cold water pulling her away from her haste and back into her surroundings. “Fenedhis lasa.” She mutters as she shakes her wet foot.  
“Ah, Valysa. There you are lethallan. I had not heard from you, so I grew a bit worried.” A voice calls to her from the darkness.One that will always be familiar. Atgan smiles through his crooked teeth as he approaches her. She sees the familiar crooked nose. He used to fight in Glory Pits, large arenas made of stone from the High Pillars and adorned heavily with gold and velvet curtains. There the magisters would bet on slaves who were forced to fight against dogs. Ten rounds consisting of one slave against 5 dogs. At the end they would make the survivors fight each other. An all out melee. Rumor has it that the dogs feasted on the flesh of the slaves that were killed in combat. It was supposed to help them acquire a taste for elven flesh.  
Atgan beat the dogs in combat but his master had bet against him, so he was beaten. Both his hands were broken as a reward along with his nose. He was then sold to a magister at a discounted price as a blood magic slave.  
She wonders how many men she's killed like dogs. Oh how they howled at her behind their pronged helms. They would curse at her called her rabbit or knife ear or simply elf but the way they said it was as if the word was the stench of shit on the streets. She cut them down though, an arrow to their throats shut them up quick. A bash from her shield would wind them enough to shut them up. She must have killed an entire army’s worth of men. An army's worth is what she had lost. Too many dead to count by now.  
“Valysa?” Atgan’s hand waves in front of her face. “Where have you wandered off to this time?”  
“Oh nowhere worth mentioning, lethallin.” She says.  
“Oh I bet you old hag.” His laughter comes quick, and he roughly nudges her ribs. “What no fight left in you lethallan? That battle field take it all out of you?”  
She gives him an amused look and shakes her head as she chuckles. Her laughter filling their silence with a hearty ring. It had left her, but he didn't need to know. All she wanted now was peace.  
“Maybe I have just enough for one more person.” She says dryly.  
Atgan just laughs and shakes his head.  
They began to walk in a comfortable silence. They had been friends since The Long Walk, and what a walk that was. Death everywhere, either from weariness or hunger. But above all that was hope. About the only thing they had left really. Hope for a better life was what connected them. She wanted to settle down and start a trading business. He wanted to help build homes. She couldn't recall how many hours they spent talking about what they would achieve, trade deals with the Children of the Stone or designing a temple for the Evanuris. All of their thoughts and dreams poured out of each other like a waterfall. They soon grew to care for each other. Even love one another. It wasn't romantic at all. He was her friend and she his. They bonded most on their belief of peace. Both of them had seen enough death to know they didn't want more. Or so she had thought.  
They walk until they reach her new home.  
The silence suddenly heavy and awkward.  
“I’m going to miss you when I leave.” He confesses softly.  
Valysa smiles and looks around at the estates on the street. Her new home was in this alcove of the city. It has porcelain white walls with blue embellishments and golden gates, shined to a blinding gleam.  
“Then don't leave. You don't have to join them Atgan.” Valysa states. Maybe she could change his mind after all. He looks down at his bare feet.  
“I know, but this is for the best. I’m no good at anything but fighting. I was bred for it and I was taught nothing else. Besides, you'll live here, so I don't think you’ll have it too bad.” Atgan states after a long pause.  
“You don't think it's too quiet?” Valysa asks, amused.  
“No. It's probably just too quiet for a woman like you.” He teases.  
They both laugh loudly. Their glee filling the empty street.  
“Lethallin, I–” Valysa starts.  
“You cannot change my mind. Don't try to tempt me. I do not want our last day together to be us arguing.” He says firmly.  
“Fenedhis lasa lethallin! Will you not see reason? Why continue fighting? Why not stay in peace with me?”  
“It's about honor! My country needs me!” He shouts, his ire bubbling up from his pride.  
“Now? This is the time you choose to be honorable? You fought dogs and killed your own kin! You don't know shit about honor!” She stares him down. “No...I see that my words are wasted on you.” She's hurt, her voice is too calm. He can tell it by the way she relaxes her face. It was a talent a slave must learn. A mask of calm indifference. Property could not show emotion, after all.  
Atgan recites the speech he had practiced many times over.  
“I’m joining the Emerald Knights. I am giving my service to them as recompense for killing elves in the pits.”  
But she's gone again. Back in her mind as she stares off into the fields. She remembers running with a rusty shield across the grass. Her sword pointed forward and her shield tilted up to protect against the fireballs and arrows that would rain from above. She remembers the screams of agony of her comrades. She remembers how it felt to charge and smash the skull of a pitiful shem against the shield till they had fallen onto the ground. She almost decapitated a man, left him a bloody and gruesome sight. He didn't even look human, just splatters. The shems could leave him like that. All bloody and faceless. Just chunks of meat and bone, covered in mush and blood.  
“I wish you well. May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent.”  
Nothing. No emotion. She's finally stripped free of her feelings. The last person she had, gone too.  
He looks down and nods.  
She didn't allow herself to feel. After so long, she really didn't think she could.  
Her home is dark and empty. The furniture wouldn't arrive until later today. Beautiful oak benches and shelves. It was too dark to see, and she stumbles around the empty room until she is able to find the window.  
The sun is just starting to rise over the city. She doesn't remember the last time she's felt this calm. A tear comes to her eye as she watches the sunrise and with it carry the hopes of her people. People she fought for. People she helped save. She understood why Atgan had wanted to fight for this land. This was home. Her true home. And she will not see it nor her people fall again, not to the shems, not to anyone.


	3. Emerald Knight Trappings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cahel becomes a part of something bigger but power always comes with a price.

My hands cover the seed. My tree is planted.   
“Now Cahel, arise with your brothers and sisters. Are you prepared to follow the way of Three Trees?” Sulan asks.   
“I am, brother Sulan.” I respond.   
“Promise before the trees of your brothers and sisters.”   
I kneel. My knees touch the damp grass making imprints into the cool mud. My skin breaks out in goosebumps. The trees look even more massive from here. Thick trunks and large branches that reach into the sky. Rooted but also climbing. Higher and higher. I feel humbled. I face the trees and hear the wind shake their leaves.   
“I, Cahel, promise to uphold the oaths of the Vir Assan, the Vir Bo’assan, and the Vir Adahlen.”   
The breeze gets stronger. It shakes their leaves until the rattle becomes a deafening roar.   
“Stand, my brother. Stand with us.” Sulan rests his hand on my shoulder his voice soft but heavy with the weight of duty.   
I stand tall and firm. Like a tree. No I am one of the trees now.  
“Good. Let's return. We have much to do.” Sulan nudges me towards the path. 

The walk is long and silent but the forest is beautiful. Everything is greener and smells fresh.   
I love that smell. Now that I’m a Knight, I am going to be much closer to this land. I will know it and every secret it has. I will know every brook every tree and every grass and leaf. I cannot wait.   
“Come Cahel, we must get you acquainted with the brother who is to patrol with you.” Sulan leads me down to the stables. The smell of halla dung clings to the air, masking the smell of the forest completely.   
“Get your wolf companion and your mount then meet me by the gates leading to the northern route.” Sulan leaves and walks off.  
I walk down the stables until I find a pair of familiar prongs. Black, twisted, and one is missing half of its curve. He snorts and scratches at the dirt beneath him. He has always been patient and trusting, but I suppose being locked up for days while I take my oath has been too quiet for him.   
“Shhhh, Athim. Calm.”   
Athim straightens his neck and looks down at me, his eyes calm and ready. Being in his presence humbles me.  
“Let's get Enasalin, I’m sure she's dying to be free from her crate.” I say to Athim. He snorts and I smile. We walk to the crates where the wolves are able to rest, eat, and drink. Enasalin howls and pants. So she's caught my scent.   
“Easy girl, easy.” I coo.   
She pants and her tail wags.   
“I suppose I needn’t ask if you're ready to go?”  
She barks and tail wags.   
I open the crate and chuckle as she circles me and Athim happily. I gently lead Athim by the reins while Enasalin trots next to me. The northern gate is the farthest from the stables and to reach the gate we must climb down steep stairs leading down the hill.  
I don't have to warn Athim nor Enasalin. They have committed these steps to memory. 

Sulan waits with someone I had never seen before. He was in his leathers. He smiles as he gracefully climbs down from his halla. His skin glows like glossed wood. My face feels flushed and I swallow hard. He's everything an Emerald Knight should be. I notice my own gawkiness.   
“This is Astros. You two will scout the innermost area of the forest. The shems are less likely to show up there but some do wander.” Sulan states.   
Astros smiles brightly at me and my cheeks get redder.   
Fenehdis.   
“I’m Astros. This here is Eth.” He gently pats a large black wolf’s head. The wolf wags its tail but remains still. “And this is Ghilas.” The halla gently nuzzles its muzzle into Astros’s hand. He gives the halla a gentle pat on the cheek. He's so at ease. I had never witnessed someone carry themselves so nobly.   
“And you are.” My thoughts are penetrated by his voice. Fenedhis, I forgot to introduce myself! I clear my throat uneasily, “I’m Cahel. My halla is Athim and my wolf is Enesalin. I look forward to working together, brother.”   
Astros chuckles and nods.   
“Now, you have your orders, go out and fulfill your oaths.” Sulan says as he retreats to the stables.   
“I suppose we better set off?” I say  
Astros nods and mounts Ghilas and I get on Athim. 

Our ride was silent and awkward. At least for me. Astros seems to not notice the awkward cloud settling on us. I can't even think of a topic. So I enjoy the sounds of the forest. Birds chirping and leaves rattling as the wind shakes them. It's beautiful, being here makes me feel close to the land in a way I never had before. It just rained so everything is damp and cool.   
“Great isn't it?” Astros asks.   
I look at him. “I love the forest. The smell is way better than anything near Halamshiral.”   
Astros laughs and nods. “I agree.”  
I smile and he smiles back.   
We patrol until it gets dark and the night watch relieves us from our duty.   
The ride back is quiet but it isn't awkward, because he made it less awkward. 

Our bond as brothers has only become stronger. We had been on the same patrol shift for several weeks. There were very few incidents with shems nothing a warning shot could not handle. They scare rather easily. Our patrol was nearly over. It was just another hour and we would be relieved. I hope I can find time to take a bath, a nice hot one. My muscles ache from riding.   
“Where are you from?” I ask Astros.   
“Hmm, oh. I’m from a small village near this forest. Not big but beautiful.” Astros says and smiles. His face has a reminiscent glow to it. “I miss it.”  
I can't help but admire his face. Plush lips, dark skin, gold eyes, and long tiny black braids tied back so they would stay out of his face. With the sunrise he looked almost foreign. Not like an elf but something more celestial. Enasalin barks. Fenedhis I must have been daydreaming again.   
“Cahel are you listening?” Astros gently nudges me.   
“Huh? Oh ummm yes...wait what was that again.” I manage to stutter. Fenedhis, I thought I was over my stutter like a fool stage. Guess not.   
Astros laughs and shakes his head. “I asked if you wanted to sleep outside after our patrol.” He said it so nonchalantly. I couldn't even answer with words. I just blush and nod. I’m probably smiling like an idiot. Fenedhis Cahel, dirthara-ma.

It was a quiet spot under the curling roots of a massive tree. A creek was not far from our makeshift camp. Athim and Ghilas were secured to a thin section of a root. Astros said it should be low enough for them to graze. Enasalin and Eth lay lazily watching as Astros and I prepare a meal.  
“We won't need a tent I think. The sky is clear and the nights are getting hot. Maybe just a light blanket.” Astros says.  
“If you say so, lethallin.” I was only half listening. I’m more focused on making sure our fish don't burn. Elfroot and spindlewood leaves are delicate so they burn easy. I flip the fish over, more than required, but it's the only thing I have to distract me from the circumstance I have found myself in.   
“That smells good. Cahel, I didn't know you could cook.” He's so close to me. I feel his breath on my cheek.  
I gulp.   
“My grandfather taught me. He was young when he learned from his mamae. He taught me every plant native to the Dales. We would walk all morning until we found the herb we were studying that day.” I respond.   
“Do you still do that?”   
“No. He died a while back. Some sickness struck him and he couldn't recover.”   
“Ir abelas lethallin.” Astros voice softens. “Tell me about him.”   
I hand him his fish and nod. Enasalin and Eth trot over and take their fish in their large maws then make their way back to their respective spots. I get my own fish and tear off small pieces to eat.  
“Where to start? Well, he was one of the few who walked the Long Walk from Tevinter. His mamae worked for a magister. He and his sister would see to livestock, feeding chickens and pigs. On their way to Halamshiral, his sister got sick. She ended up suffocating. His mamae fell victim to exhaustion. She collapsed and died a few days after his sister. Just two weeks away from Halamshiral. He learned to hunt when he was seven or eight I think. It's the only reason I’m good with a bow. We would go out and shoot squirrels, nugs, hares. We brought down a great bear once in this forest. He is buried on the outskirts of this forest where his mamae and his sister are buried.”   
“Ir abelas lethallin, let me know if I can help.” Astros whispers gently. He smiles at me and lays down in the grass. His hands cradle the back of his head. He looks serene, so I join him; I lay beside him looking up at the clouds.  
“I still have my mamae, my papae, and my sister. What about you lethallin? How is your family.” I ask.   
It gets quiet for a while. It's heavy and uncomfortable. Had I already asked this question and just forgotten? Have I offended him by doing so? No, I would have remembered. Fenedhis maybe I should change the subject. I open my mouth to speak but his voice comes out.  
“They died. I'm the only one left.”   
Cahel! You are stupider than a sack of halla dung!   
“I–I’m sorry I didn't...I don't know….Fenedhis, may the Dread Wolf take me.”   
Astros laughs. It's a sudden burst of joy that makes me smile awkwardly.   
“It's alright Cahel.” He says, “The answer was not said in a bitter tone. I was thinking of the best way to tell you. I didn't want you to pity me.”   
I smile and hug him. He is so close to my chest, so close to my heart. If I could I would pull him in closer and closer so he would become part of it physically. Who am I kidding? Astros is a part of my heart. His arms slowly slither around me and he pulls me in closer. I’ve never felt anything like this ever. I feel so connected and protected. Safe and solid. I want to kiss him. My lips burn with need and my tongue wants to explore his mouth and know every part of it by memory. But fear keeps me frozen. I do not want to risk his scorn. 

I don't remember a time when Astros and I weren't friends. We take all our meals together and we ride together. Our bond is something I have never felt before. Love. I love him...time with him is meaningful.  
Athim snorts impatiently and Enasalin rolls on the grass.   
“Cahel, you mustn’t be distracted. Your people rely on you to protect this border as do your fellow brothers and sisters.” Sulan scolds.   
“Ir abelas.” I say to him.   
Astros went home for a village festival. Our time apart has made me weary to do much, but I have oaths to keep. Sulan whistles like a songbird. Shems. Enasalin looks at me and tilts her head. I nod to her and she nods back in understanding. I gently squeeze my thighs against Athim’s back and he gallops forward. Sulan follows close behind as we corral the shems. Three men. Two that are old, dirty, and smelled strongly of sweat and blood.   
I draw my bow quickly an arrow notched and ready.  
“You are trespassers here.” I say accusingly.  
“What are you shems doing here?” Sulan asks, the edge in his voice unmasked.  
“Ho there. We are just hunting.” A shem says. He's wearing leathers and a simple tunic. The other two are in simple clothes. There is one archer and the other two carry a sword and dagger.   
“You have permission from Halamshiral?” I ask.   
“Well, no. but–” The shem replies.  
“Then leave or die.” Sulan interrupts.   
The shems glare and one raises his sword. My heart is calm.   
“I wouldn't if I were you.” Sulan says calmly, “It seems a foolish notion.”   
The shem the sword rushes forward. My arrow flies off my bow. It rips through the shem’s flesh and punctures his lung. His body falls like a doll as he writhes in hope of mercy or air whichever comes first. The archer raises his bow his arrow is pointed at me ready to strike. Enasalin overwhelms him. His screams fill the air as he is torn into shreds. The third shem with the dagger has his eyes open wide with a fear of death. Sulan slays him. The shem’s head rolls to the ground like a rotten fruit.   
Enasalin licks her lips and trots over to Athim and me.   
“Good job, girl.” I coo to her as I pet her.   
“We should return.” Sulan says. “Our patrol is nearly over.” 

We ride back in silence. The forest has a golden glow and all I can think of is Astros eyes. They glow like this all the time. I see him everywhere. In every beautiful thing. I need to see him, to know that he's okay. If he's happy, healthy, relaxed, if he….if he likes me. If he would want to be more than friends.   
“What worries you lethallin?” Sulan asks worriedly.  
I snap away from my thoughts. Fenedhis.   
“Ah, it’s just... there seems to be more shems in the woods.” I reply. It's a lie I know but I cannot tell Sulan, it'd be too embarrassing. He has no tact. Sulan once found out a recruit had a crush on another recruit. Talem and Mihra endured embarrassing ploys he created to force them to get together. Each more mortifying than the last. Eventually, Talem quit and he ended up being an apprentice to the hahrens, I believe. Fen Harel take me if my crush were revealed and Sulan got word of it. Crush is the wrong word, I have passed that phase. I love Astros. Love him in everything he does in every move he makes.   
“Cahel!”   
My heart races and I look up with a wide smile plastered on my face. I know I’m not being subtle, but hearing him again, makes me lose control I cannot not even pretend to own. He's tanner and his hair has been braided in an intricate pattern.   
“Spacing out like always, I see. We have much to catch up on lethallin, we could do so over dinner?” Astros requests.   
I nod and dismount Athim then lead him to his stable.   
“Ma serannas lethallin.”I gently pat Athim’s nose and get the bucket of oats for him to enjoy. “Eat well, you have earned it.”   
Enasalin barks to greet Eth and Astros. I'm not the only one who is happy to see them it seems. 

We let Enasalin and Eth rest and wander the forests at their pleasure. Athim and Ghilas were taken to the pastures to enjoy sweet grasses and a bit of running. We aren't patrolling today, so we decided to go bathe in the pools. Astros and I walk, enjoying the scenery and each other's company. The leaves were a bright green in the golden light. Tiny little jewels reflecting the sunlight. He glows under this light. His tan skin highlighted in gold. I want to pin him against the trees and steal away his glow. To make him my light, and no one else's. I am the dragon and he is my treasure.   
“You're glowering da’len.” Astros says softly. “Have I angered you?”   
I blush and soften my expression. “Ah, no lethallin. My mind is just...elsewhere.”   
Astros laughs. “It always is.”  
We stop at the bank of the pool. Emerald waters from reflecting the trees. I hear Astros undress. The sound of the shuffle of clothing makes me hold my breath. I want to turn around and watch. I bet he's beautiful. I can't, if I turn around I’ll kiss him, but he might not want it and then I’ll lose more than I have gained.   
“Are you well?” His voice is so gentle with concern and so close.   
The tears come out before I can stop them. “A-Astros. Ar...Ar...Ar….” My sobs cut off the words I want to say. They make my voice quiver. I must sound meek or pitiful. I look down ashamed.   
Astros is silent then gently holds my face in his hands. My eyes remain fixated on my feet.   
“Cahel, look at me.” He whispers. “Please.”  
Astros gently holds me. He hums then coos honeyed words. I can't help what I do. I pull away from his embrace and start to inch closer to his lips. I move slower than normal to allow him to stop me at anytime. I'm shaking so hard but I don't feel him stop me and suddenly I kiss him and he kisses back. Slow but hungry. His hands start to move down to my cock and he rubs me. His tongue dominates my mouth. I grunt and thrust against him. Kisses get fiercer and less gentle. We fumble with our small clothes but eventually get them off. He lowers his face to my dick. My heart is in my throat. I feel it thump from how nervous I am.   
“Astros–” I start.  
“Shhhh. It's okay. I want this.” He reassures me in his soft voice. Then he slips my dick into his mouth. I feel weak. My legs want to buckle. His mouth works a rhythm, sucking and then teasing with his tongue. I'm panting so hard it feels like there is not enough air to breathe. I almost finish then and there. But I want this to be longer. I stop him. He looks up confused but I just smile down at him. I gently lean him back and position myself to hover over him. I kiss a trail from his lips, down to his neck, then his chest. His sweat leaves a salty taste on my lips. I do this until a pain develops in my nether region. The stiffness of my cock could no longer be ignored. It's still slick with my fluids and his spit, but I add more of my own saliva to make it easier to slip inside. I align it with his hole gently prodding. Astros moans softly and pants. He clearly wants this. No, he wants me.   
“Fenedhis! Cahel, quit teasing.” He begs in a harsh whisper.   
His request gives me the last bit of confidence I need. I smirk and slide inside him. Fenedhis! He's so tight and warm. Astros moans a little louder.   
“V-Vhenan–” Astros says but my thrust cuts him off making him moan.   
I thrust slowly but deeply at first. I want to see his face full of pleasure.   
Astros’s head is leaned back, his long hair coated in dirt and mud. I want to see more. I thrust faster and fuck him harder. His moans become louder. I watch his own cock move in time with my thrusts.If I could just reach the spot inside him to leave him a mess. Maybe I can. I shift my weight to my knees and lift him up so his perfect round ass is firmly in my grasp. I hold him in place then slide my cock deep inside again.  
“Cahel. What are–FENEDHIS!” He moans loudly as my cock hits a spot I know will bring pleasure. I grunt. A familiar ache starts to develop and I know no matter how much I want this to last longer, I won't be able to. I use my free hand to rub Astros’s dick in time with my thrusts.   
“Vhenan!–Ah Cahel! I-I cannot–” He's screaming for me. I feel a primal instinct awaken and I start to slam him down on my dick. It's a violent, hard, and swift motion that leaves me dizzy. I stop rubbing him and give his ass a light smack.   
“Ah! Cahel!” He whines and moans simultaneously.  
I kiss him to keep him from complaining more. He uses his tongue again, such a skill he has with it. I think I'm starting to enjoy this type of kiss. He moans into my mouth and I swallow each, greedily claiming my treasure. The ache in my loins builds and I pull away from the kiss to pant, my thrusts getting slightly shallow. Astros whines.  
“Cahel, vhenan, don't stop. I’m so close. Please vhenan.” He begs as he squirms to try to keep pace with my thrusts.   
“Ir abelas, vhenan. I will not do it again,” I reassure him then thrust even faster and harder than before. The ache gets stronger, too strong to ignore.  
“Astros!–” I shout.  
“Do it inside Cahel. Coat my insides in your love.” He pants.   
My thrusts become more frantic less controlled. Astros rubs himself and my balls tighten at the sight. I come undone in him, shallow thrusts spray my seed in his ass. He follows a few moments after. It gets on his stomach and hand and on my pubic hair. I don't care though. I lay down on top of him, my cock still buried deep in him.   
“At lath ma, vhenan.” I whisper into his ear.   
“At lath ma, Cahel.” He replies.   
I smile and kiss him. “Let's get cleaned up before we start again.”   
Astros laugh but then smirks. “You’ll have to get your big cock out first vhenan.” He purrs.   
I stiffen while still inside him. Oh he's asking for it.   
“Careful Fen’Harel might catch your scent vhenan.” I warn him. I'm still reeling from my first orgasm, but I don't want to appear weak.   
“Good. Maybe he will take me faster than you.”He retorts.   
I grab his hips. pull out until just the tip remains within him, then slam back in. Astros is left speechless. 

I fuck him furiously for hours. Taking breaks to catch our breath, wash up when we got too sticky, and to profess our love for each other. Finally, his appetite is sated. He lays in my arms as I hum to him. His head on my chest, nestled in the crook of my neck and on my shoulder. My hand gently strokes his ass. I rub a circular pattern on it as we relax.   
“Mythal’enaste I never want to leave this place.” He whispers sleepily.   
I chuckle and hold him firmly against me. “I could live with that.”   
Astros smiles, his half lidded eyes making him look like a dope. Those plump lips twisting up towards a smile I always want to bring to his face.   
“Cahel! Seriously? After so many times?”   
I smirk and pin him again. He is my treasure and I’m his dragon.   
“I didn't know elves had it in ‘em.” I hear the sound of a sword unsheath.  
My heart stops. We brought no weapons and are naked. Fenedhis.   
“Stand up.” His accent is of the shem to the west of us. The unfriendly type. Astros and I stay on the ground.   
“I said stand! Do you not understand?!” He barks.  
Another shem pulls us up. His armor bears the flaming sword of mercy. How ironic.   
“We heard of chantry brothers slain while they were out hunting. Found the bodies and saw two killed by wounds from a weapon, the last killed by a wolf. You’re order of savage knights are to blame are they not?” He sounds so smug.   
“They were trespassing on a land that didn't belong to them. Action was taken.” Astros says.   
“Astros–”A sharp slap cuts me off. The armor bruises my cheek and cracks my lip.   
“You speak as if you were there, rabbit.” The shemlen who is in charge says accusingly. “Since you know so much enlighten me.”   
Astros looks over at me, his worry is not hidden.   
The shemlen who slapped me takes notice and grabs Astros by his hair. “Answer or I slit your pretty elf lover’s throat.” He threatens.   
“They were poaching so they were killed.” Astros replies.   
The shem in charge looks at him dully. “You're no help.” He nods to the shem holding Astros’s hair. The knife is already in his eye before I could help him. I shout angrily and stand up only to be shoved down.   
“Listen, you dirty knife ear! You are trying my patience. What happened to the men!”   
I whip my head, getting it close to his face.   
“I shot one down by puncturing him in the lung, my wolf shredded the second, then my partner beheaded the last. I got great pleasure from hearing them give their last breath.”  
The shemlen punches my face hard. It leaves me seeing spots and I feel hot blood trickle down my nose and mouth. The second shem already presses the knife to my neck.   
“Beg.” The shemlen in charge demands.   
I spit in his face, “ Fen’Harel ma halam.”   
The knife presses deeper. Falon’Din vir enasal enaste. I will not submit.


	4. The Inquisitor's Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We must endure duty.

4\. Inquisitor’s Lover

 

“Oh come now Telana. It's not too bad.” Ameridan said playfully. He always does that. Make light of the situation.  
“Ameridan, going off to fight an Avvar god of war that will be reborn as a dragon is bad. It is the very definition of bad.” I reply haughtily. The man is insufferable and stubborn.  
“Well when you put it like that.” He says nonchalantly.  
”I don't see why I have to stay here either. You need me and my aegis.”  
“Orinna and Haron are going with me. I’ll be–”  
I hug him close stopping his sentence.  
“Please Ameridan. I want to know that you are safe. Please vhenan, for me?”  
“I…” He sighs and hugs me close. “Vhenan, you are far too good at that. You are welcome by my side. You know you always are.”  
I smile and kiss his nose. He chuckles and twirls my hair with his fingers.  
Kordillus clears his throat. I know it's him because he smells just like olives and despair.  
“Am I interrupting?” He asks.  
“No, lethallin.” Ameridan says welcomingly. To think this shemlen is the most important of the shemlen. He has a stupid ponytail and a stupid mustache. Along with a stupid face. That has a stupid mouth that asks for my love to go off to fight for him. The darkspawn I can understand. Banal’len envelope the world, snuff its flame, and fill the air with their stench. They are united again in the Anderfels very far and very north from here, but they march further and further each day. The Grey Warden stronghold has been surrounded, so they cannot offer help. This shemlen has unified the other shemlen to fight, but he's also sent them to their early graves. Not out of malice but out of duty. I have no reason to trust he won't now, just because they are friends doesn't mean the shem king won't use him. I have a bad feeling about this idea; I trust Ameridan but, I don't know, my ears are twitching from just thinking about this mission. My heart has done so much for the betterment of our people. Will it die with him? I pray to the gods that it won't, losing our homeland twice would not be something we could recover from. Why can't someone else go? Why must it be Ameridan? I pray my fears aren't realized.  
“Telana? Vhenan? You're making a face.” Ameridan nudges me gently.  
“It's the only one I have da’len.” I retort.  
He flimches but chuckles softly.  
“I see even you are subject to a woman’s ire. My wife is just the same.” Kordillus chuckles. “Maker turn his gaze on you, friends.” He walks away leaving Ameridan and me to talk.  
“Now care to explain that face vhenan? Or shall I have to guess the reason?” Ameridan gently strokes my shoulders and back as he whispers to me.  
“It's not too hard to guess.” I say.  
“Still with the dragon business. I said I would–”  
“Banal nadas!”  
Ameridan stops talking and sits down quietly. “My love, I did not mean to anger you.”  
“Ameridan stop and think. If you die trying to kill the dragon, our people will lose their standing. We will go back into isolation when we are making strides out of the forests. Ameridan you belong to more than yourself. Your life isn't something you can give away vhenan. Not when it could mean the end for us.”  
“Ir abelas, vhenan.”  
“Tel’abelas. Don't do this. Please.”  
“If I ignore the request it'll leave him vulnerable to an Avaar attack. The dragon and the darkspawn will obliterate us no matter if we are elf or human.”  
I sigh. He's so stubborn when it comes to duty.  
“I will go with you.”  
Ameridan sighs deeply then chuckles. “Fine,” he says. “Having you around will be better anyways.”  
I smile and kiss him gently. “Good.” 

Traveling to the blasted basin was awful. The summer was turning to autumn meaning winter was nearing. A very long and frigid winter. Fenedhis lasa, vhenan what have you gotten yourself involved in. We are staying in a friendly Avaar hold near the mountain paths and the forest. Ameridan and I were given a nice shack to stay in. It's on a beautiful archipelago. If it weren't for the looming duty of having to kill a god I would consider this a pleasant vacation. If not a honeymoon. Mythal watch over Ameridan he doesn't want to realize the danger he's putting himself in. He always thinks he's the only one who can fix things, sometimes it's better to let others be martyrs.  
“Telana, vhenan, we’re setting out.” Ameridan says.  
“Good. I need to fight.”  
I grab my staff. I have been reading tome after tome on the way here. It's time I put my new knowledge to good use.

Two weeks into investigation and we already stopped these Hakkon fanatics from sacrificing a wyvern to their god. The battle as hard, but we were victorious in the end. We set up camp in a cavern near the river. It's raining hard soon it'll begin to snow. We must hurry before winter comes.  
“I don't see what the problem is with me using lyrium? It helps kill the demons you cannot when you are tired.” Haron says matter-of-factly to Orinna. Poor da’len has to deal with the mage,  
“If you do not see it than you are as stupid as you look Haron.” I say bitterly.  
“Well the lyrium grants me power to still be able to seal the entrance of this cavern and warm it up without fire, even after that battle with the demons and the Hakkonites.”  
“You're insufferable.”  
Ameridan chuckles. “That's quite enough you two. Let's rest I fear we aren't done yet.”  
“We slayed the sacrifice and have killed at least two-thirds of their men. If they continue they are fools.” My tone is harsh but it's not because of Ameridan. A feeling of deep disparity has not left me since leaving Halamshiral. That's where we should be, warning our people of the doom of the banal’len. But here we are, at the end of the world, saving shemlen from other shemlen who own dragons. Ma halani Mythal. I just want to go back home.

“You let it possess you?!”  
“It's not an it, Telana.” Ameridan frowns.  
“Oh does it remember what it was then?” I say sarcastically.  
“Well, no but...fine it's an it.”  
“I can't believe you would welcome such a thing.”  
“It's only offering help Telana.”  
“Don't they all. We both know the danger these spirits can pose. And we agreed that we wouldn't allow exactly this to happen. That we wouldn't lose a part of ourselves.”I glower at Ameridan. He looks down silently, ashamed. How could he be so brash! So inconsiderate. But I know why. He did it to stop us from losing. We had victories in the beginning but now, they fight harder, with a ferocity of a true zealot. Well, it's already done and he can't reverse it. We cannot continue arguing now.  
“Does it have a plan?”  
“Orianna and Haron will lead the people of bear-hold to a tevinter ruin that is defensible, near the bog. While they are distracted, I will sneak in–”  
“We. We will sneak in.”  
“We will sneak in and deal with the dragon.”  
“What will we do when we get there?”  
“Defeat it.”  
“How?”  
“We kill it or I will seal it.”  
“Do you think it will work”  
“It has to.” His face is grave and his wrinkles make him look weary. He's tired and so am I. So many lives burden our shoulders. Responsibility and duty weigh us down more. Make us older.  
“At lath ma.” I say to him. It's been awhile since I have. Lately it's been scolding or yelling for aid.  
Ameridan smiles widely.  
“At lath ma, Telanadas.”  
I playfully scowl at him for using my full name. He laughs and holds me gently. I want more nights like this. Where his embrace is all that I know. He plays with my hair and the tips of my ears.  
“Forever vhenan. At lath ma bellanaris.” He whispers.  
“Ma serannas, vhenan.” I whisper back.  
He leans back and admires my face. His eyes seem to put every detail to memory. I smile and lean in to kiss him. It tastes like him, but not the same. Not after the spirit guide he sought. I pull away but smile and he smiles back cheerfully. Oh my love, what have you done. Mala suledin nadas. 

Ameridan kneels before the statues of Andraste and Ghilan’nain. He whispers thanks. After all that hard work that was achieved by what seemed like divine intervention, I cannot blame him. Setting this spirit’s plan into motion will cost us much. At best, we are the ones to die. At worst everyone does. Whether to darkspawn or these Avaar it won't matter.  
“Vhenan, are you prepared.” Ameridan’s voice sounds determined but his eyes give away the deceit. He is scared. So am I.  
“No.” I lia him fiercely. I want him to feel all of my love for him in that kiss. He kisses back just as hard.  
“Now I am.” I smile at him. He return it but then looks down sadly and I know he knows why that kiss was intense. One of us will die today, I don't want it to happen but I feel an unease in the air.  
“We must hurry. We sneak in tonight.” He stalks off.  
I kneel before Ghilan’nain.  
“Protect him.” I look at Amdraste. “Both of you please. Let him live.” 

The dragon is possessed. My entire body is burning hot with pain. My vision is white. Ameridan is struggling. We were supposed to kill it but he cannot on his own. I've failed you my love. It's so bright. But I know he's getting tired. The spirit with him is singing a song of pain and strife. I want this all to end. It hurts so bad, I cannot walk not even stand. It hurts to breathe. Then silence. All  
frozen no more pain. It's so quiet,  
“Vhenan?” My voice is so meek. I can barely speak.  
“Ameridan?” I manage to choke out. Then all black. 

 

I am in the face I know I am. I want to see Ameridan but I cannot. I've seen Orinna and Haron. My friends lost to me. My love lost to me. The waves crash against the the rocks of this island. Where is my love? I must search longer. My body will be fine. 

I am hungry. My stomach is in so much pain. But if I leave I might not find Ameridan. Where has he gone. Are the gods punishing him for making a pact with the spirit? Is that all it will take? 

It keeps on following me. Telling me I must go back to my own body, to stop dreaming. I ignored it at first but it gets louder the more I travel. Am I losing myself in here? Will I become part of the fade?  
“Tell me your story.” It coos. It has an effeminate voice. Maybe? Or am I willing it a feminine voice.  
“I will not tell you of me being. You shall have nothing of mine.” I say.  
“I don't want you to hurt.”  
“Hurt? I'm not hurting?”  
“You're bleeding.”  
I look down and there is a gash on my chest,  
“Blood! My blood?! How?”  
I look around bewildered.  
“You opened the wound. Your body is too weak to heal it.”  
“It doesn't matter I need to see him again.”  
“Who?” It asks.  
“My beloved Ameridan.” 

I hurt so much. There is barely any of me left. The spirit tries to keep me whole. I cannot any longer.  
“Spirit. Come please.”  
It approaches timidly. We are closer now but I've never let it get nearer.  
“Will you help me?”  
It thinks then nods.  
“I need you to tell my story. Tell them about me.” I touch Its hand and release a pulse of magic. Memories transfer and It glows brightly.  
“I left a piece of me with you. I will be with my vhenan soon. Just stay until they find me.”  
It nods.  
“Good bye, and thank you.” I drift and feel myself being pulled into my body. Aches from not moving, hunger pangs, and a putrid smell. That is all I am anymore. I try to open my eyes or breathe but I cannot. This is death is it? Nothingness. It's calm. It's welcome. I'm so tired. It hurts. I hurt. But it fades and I think I am beginning to fade too. At lath ma, Ameridan.


	5. An Island Amongst Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In isolation there is safety.

5\. An Island

“I say we let them die. When they owned us, would they have cared.” Fenthon exclaims. He’s an older elf. Wrinkles around his dead fish eyes, scars on his arms and legs from years of battle, his nose long and sharp, like a bird of prey.  
“Come now, it’s much too complicated. The Banal’len won’t care who they kill. Elf nor human.” Nolara interrupts. She’s old and small but her voice carries the weight of command. “The humans could be an ally against the Banal’len.”  
“You speak nonsense Nolara. If we fight with the Da’len we will quicken too.” Fenthon says trying to regain control of the room.  
The council sits in a vast marble room adorned with black and white frescos of elven history. They are seated on marble benches around a podium made of gold. The only golden object in the room, as to not draw attention away from the speaker. Fenthon used that to his advantage.  
“They will weaken us Nolara. Then they will surely conquer us.” He adds solemnly.  
A soft murmur fills the room.  
“You can’t quite possibly know that, Kordillus–”  
“The shem king?” Fenthon cuts off, “I’m supposed to trust the king of the frilly shemlen.”  
“No,” Nolara interjects, “You are supposed to trust Ameridan.”  
“And where is he Nolara?  
“He’s away…”  
“Away running favors for the shem king.” Fenthon finishes.  
More murmurs. Some in objection to what was said, some in agreement, many more in confusion.  
“He is doing it to have more of his trust.” Nolara retorts. “They aren’t favors, they are quests…”  
“They are errands. Things the shem king knows he will not deny. What’s even worse, is to the shem king, Ameridan is expendable. He sends him off to fight dragons and demons and other creatures the king finds an annoyance.” Fenthon says wearily, “It pains me to see someone so influential being used as a pawn in some game.”  
“He isn’t a pawn and nor is this a game it is dire. We can not isolate ourselves in an island of trees. We must send aid against the Banal’len. We must offer the hand of generosity and solemnity.”  
“And in turn we get nothing. Helping them, having us lose our brothers and sisters for a population that doesn’t care whether we live or die. Charity doesn’t guarantee respect. Good deeds do not guarantee remembrance. Our sacrifice does not guarantee safety or a seat at the table.”  
A silver bell chimes in the distance. It’s haunting ring carries through the air and projects it’s way to the sealed marble room. The arguments die down and a dire silence fills the council chambers.  
Death.  
He’s considered dead.  
Silence fills the halls. Nolara looks down and Fenthon sighs.  
The doors open and everyone marches out in time with the ring. 

 

Nolara stares at the sky. The sunset was always best on the hills outside the city. Ameridan didn’t deserve to die the way he did. He should have been at home with his people. But he’s done so much good and his deeds will now be for nothing. All that work to open our people to the world, to step out of fear, to become a part of the society. Relevant and respected. Just like him.  
She looks down at the people. Little specks filling streets and roads. Then disappearing into tiny homes.  
A shadow engulfs the bell tower. She turns to see an emerald tree casting a dark pall over half of the tower. It stretches and eventually the darkness covers the whole city. Warm lights emit from the homes. Tiny flames in the distance. She grabs her walking stick and wraps her cowl around her cropped hair then slowly makes her way down the hill. She hums a prayer for the dead as she descends back into the city.  
Alone and unbothered.

 

Fenthon looks out at the city from his study. A smokeless fire crackles softly. His gaze is fixed on the silver bell glowing softly in the moonlight. The fires are lit to commemorate his death. Blue flames that cast a harsh glow on the towers quartz walls. His thoughts are jumbled, fogged by the loss of a hero, he wasn’t his advocate for his deeds but he was an elf. A brother, and now he is lost to Falon’Din.  
“May they guide you home, little brother. May they bury your body and from it growth will spread. I just pray your influence isn’t followed, my misguided son. We must close ourselves to such a threat as the shems.”  
He walks back to his desk and opens the bottom drawer. There’s an amber liquid in an orange glass bottle. He uncorks it and pours it into his thin glass. He downs the drink then pours another. The liquid is illuminated by the flames. The amber fluid glows and reflects on the wall. Fenthon smiles and sets it near the window.  
“May you find rest in death for you did not have it in life.”


	6. Red Crossing – Siona’s Lament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ir abelas. It was not supposed to be this way.

6\. Red Crossing 

“Come Elandrin patrol isn’t so bad.” I say. I’ve been trying to make my brother smile for almost two hours now. I’ve known him since we were babes, little da’len wandering the woods with cheery smiles and keen eyes.  
“It’s not the patrol I’m upset about. It’s the increase in patrols that makes me cross.” He grumbles. Hair falls in his face and he sighs. “Do you mind braiding it again?”  
“Haven’t you learned to do so by now da’len?” I stop and lower my bow.  
“We’re the same age stupid.”  
“True, but I know how to braid my hair and you don’t.”  
“I know how to braid!”  
“Mhmm.”  
I pull the hair tie and comb my fingers through the same black hair we share. We used to be so pale but due to Sun exposure we have browned and freckled. My fingers are nimble and work on pure muscle memory.  
“I wonder how Sela’s first patrol is going.” Elandrin says softly. He’s worried but I am too. Sela is my timid sister. She’s always been very cautious and somewhat shy, how she came to be an Emerald Knight I’m not sure but, we supported her and trained her anyway.  
“I do too. But she’s always been more careful than either of us.”  
“Careful isn’t always deft.”  
“Careful gives me hope.”  
I finish braiding his hair.  
“Should we continue?” He says.  
I laugh and nod. “It is our job.”  
He chuckles and nods as he makes his way towards his halla. I wonder how Sela must be doing. Her patrol isn’t far from ours.  
“Should we check on her.” I say softly as I climb onto my halla. “Spies have reported that the chantry is spreading lies about abduction of young shem da’len that we sacrifice to our bloodthirsty gods.” I shake my head and laugh but I know there are some who actually believe us a threat. We just wish to be left in peace.  
“If just to silence our worries.” He responds.  
I nod.  
We make our way through the dense forests. Green leaves in many hues cast specks of light on the ground and reflect off the halla’s white hairs.  
Elandrin leads the way. I trail behind him. She’s patrolling near the slow river. The fennec and wild halla love to drink from here. The problem is it’s too near a trail the shem hunters frequent. There hasn’t been any problems yet and I have faith in Sela’s abilities.  
“Her patrol shouldn’t be too far from here.” I say.  
Elandrin nods.  
We continue along the path until we see her. It’s a surreal moment. Her body, lifeless, caked in a mixture of dirt and blood. Neck slit and gutted like an animal. Like game.  
The horror of the sight chills me. I’m frozen.  
Elandrin rushes to her in a second and weeps.  
Then, hot tears. Anger. It pulses through me from the tips of my ears to the soles of my feet.  
“Human knives did this, This isn’t made by iron bark.” Elandrin says softly  
“Fen’Harel ma halam. Shem na din’an sahlim!” I shout till my lungs hurt.  
“We don’t know that they did it.”  
“Yes. We. Do.”  
“There are many rogue elves that trade with shems.” Elandrin responds calmly.  
My skin boils. My eyes sting from the anger.  
“Why are you defending them Elandrin. They did this. For the shem hunters that were captured near the border last week.” I say firmly.  
“You don’t know that.”  
“We need to avenge her. She’s our sister and we need to avenge her.” My tone is icy, I know as such from the way he flinched. But I didn’t care. I wanted all to feel my sting. Especially those of my arrows in the breasts of all the shems of that town.  
“Let’s report this and get orders from the others.” He says quietly.  
Elandrin looks down and gently carries Sela’s body. I try my best to hold the slit where they gutted her. No more of her blood shall be spilled.  
The ride back was long. The elves at the gates shouting was almost an illusion. Wake me from this awful nightmare. Falon’Din guide her. Elgar’nan give me strength. I will kill the shem that did this. 

“You cannot blame them all Siona!” Elandrin shouts.  
“THEY KILLED HER IN COLD BLOOD!” I shout.  
“Siona they aren’t all like that!”  
“Dirthara-ma Elandrin!”  
The others were listening. I didn’t care.  
“I’ll kill them all Elandrin! Every last shem that enters OUR land! They aren’t your people we are your people! How can you not see that! HOW CAN MY RAGE NOT BE YOUR RAGE AND THE RAGE OF OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS!”  
He calmly stands up and walks away. 

They cleaned her. Made her whole again. We could not bury her in the state she died. We mourn her death together, bury her under the tree she planted. It’s been grey without her. Fighting has increased along the borders. War with the shem is imminent. And Elandrin seems to grow more distant as the days progress. We argue most every time we see each other. He doesn’t see the danger of the encroaching shemlen. He says it is only my paranoia getting the better of me. The whole camp watched us argue. Heard our insults. Then I suddenly wouldn’t see him anymore. A whole week passed and no sight of him. Some said he was turning shem, that he wanted to join the Chantry. I don’t believe it, he would never betray his family. I must apologize to him soon, I can not afford to lose another sibling. Not again. 

I walk through the forest silently, hoping to see him. It’s noon when I leave sun high in the sky. He must be on patrol. I cannot track him. Three hours later and I take a rest. I must be far from the camp by now. My halla needed a rest so I chose to walk on foot but now I’m regretting it a bit. The sun is high in the sky now, floating ominously above the trees. Everything seems so peaceful so quiet. It shouldn’t be like this. Not without her. I stand and allow the blood to flow to my legs again before I resume walking. A sea of green only disrupted by the roots that intertwined with one another on the forest floor. I smile. Those roots are my roots and the roots of every elf in the order. Brothers and sisters holding hands. The fallen are not forgotten but they are mourned. I continue on my search. Summer rams and halla leap about, prancing as they please. Sela would have loved to see this. I wonder if she looks on from the land of the dead. 

The sun set long ago. It’s cooler now at least. I should be near the border. Elandrin should be here. The moonlight seeps through the small cracks the leaves create. The forest is still at night. Dead and pale but still beautiful because there is peace.  
“Is it really that simple.”  
That’s Elandrin’s voice.  
“Yes.” A female laughs gently. “It is.”  
I’ve never heard that voice. I don’t recognize the accent it sounds foreign to elvish. I follow the whispers but stay quick to hide. I can only see Elandrin. The female is hidden behind foliage. I do not move, Elandrin will notice me. I wait and spectate.  
“Will they accept me?” Elandrin says lowly.  
“If you convert. They will accept you.” She responds. Her voice almost a foreign purr.  
Convert? Why must he…?  
“But I’m an elf, vhenan.”  
“Vhenan?” She asks.  
“It umm it means my heart.” He blushes and holds her hand gently and she leans in enough for me to see her.  
The voice is human.  
My blood curdles and turns sour.  
My anger blinds me in clouds of misty red. Red from the blood of all elves who have fallen to shem. My body moves on its own will. I run as fast as I could go, flying almost, the wind kissing my heels. I wanted to scream but I didn’t let out a sound. I rush to let the elders know. They must know. 

“So he’s betrayed us.” Fenthon says solemnly. “All our secrets all our weaknesses exposed to the shem in the name of the Maker.”  
“We don’t know that, Elandrin has been a brother and an Emerald Knight for so long. He would not betray us now.” Nolara chimes.  
“He was getting ready to convert. He’s to head back here gather his items and leave. Who knows what he will take with him.” Yedis says.  
“It does not matter what he takes, the knowledge he has is matters.” Fenthon interjects. “We cannot have precious secrets disclosed to shemlen especially if there are escalating tensions at borders. Siona see to it that he is brought back and put to trial before this council. It’s best not to camp, you would run the risks of being far from any type of aid and would be too close to the shem city leaving you at a disadvantage. Take four others with you just in case you run into any hindrance. Leave before sunset.”

We left just a few hours before sun down. The shem village is far from our base and the cover of night shall be our veil. We wear all black leathers with dark green leaves to hide ya amongst the trees. We can’t even bring halla, they would make us too easy a target. We move amongst the shadows of the tree tops, making sure that we stay invisible to any quick gazes and have put arrows ready for any prying ones. 

It was pitch black when we reached the city. No light from the moon and stars. It’s best that way. Less visibility which leads to minimal chances of unnecessary bloodshed.  
I stop and turn to them,“Sehaine search north, Rahmir take the west, Elgaran take the east. I will head south, if Elandrin does not comply use any means necessary to get him back.”  
They nod and move to their assigned quadrants. 

No sign of Elandrin. I’ve checked everywhere. Hopefully one of the others have caught him. I wait by the trees that border the Dales and Red Crossing, careful to patrol them so as to avoid any shem. The woods were always quiet at night. Always welcoming but at the same time foreboding.  
Rustle  
My body tenses. An animal? Or a shem? My bow is ready, an arrow notched, the sinew tense, ready for a target. Something lunges at me. My arrow pierces the target as her scream pierces the night. It was her. Her body falls to the ground. The daisies fall from her hand that can no longer grasp.  
“Elandrin…” Her last words were him.  
My eyes widen. My hands shake.  
“Siona?!” Elgaran shouts. “We must go.”  
“Too late. They saw us.” Sehaine says then readies herself.  
“Siona you must stop shaking. We have to either fight or…” Rahmir’s voice is drowned by the shouts of shem.  
My body snaps into action.  
“Ils sont lá!”  
“Tue-les!”  
“We can’t escape until they are dealt with.” I lift my hand to my quiver, pull out the first arrow, notch it, pull back, and let it fly.  
They follow my lead until the paved street is smeared red.  
“Now let’s go.” We leave as if carried by the wind. But the air is thick with a musk of blood, it’s metallic and grimey, and clings to the air. 

The blood coated the petals as Elandrin approaches the body. He had ran from the chantry when he heard the commotion from his window.  
“Adalene…”  
He knelt down and embraced the corpse before him. He knew the arrow’s owner. He once called her sister. But he wasn’t anguished or vengeful. But now he had nothing. No reason to be alive anymore. Nothing mattered. Without her he had no emotion.  
Gasps filled the air. Orlesians approach him with swords and arrows ready.  
He did not move. Said nothing in his defense.  
“Ne bougez pas, elfe.”A soldier with an arrow aimed at him says. “Laisser tomber le corps.”  
Elandrin stays silent. The man repeats himself this time he shouts his demands.  
Again Elandrin refuses.  
The arrow takes flight and sinks into Elandrin’s chest. But they had already taken his vhenan. His mouth chokes up with blood and his eyes glaze over. Strong arms that once held another with so much love now lay limp and feeble. His own body slumps over hers as another arrows makes its way between his eyes. The Orlesians lift his lifeless body away from her’s. They lift Elandrin by his hair dragging him to the river where they dump him to rot. 

I quietly braids the black hair with daisies to adorn him. I had led the mission to claim his body. There I found the note he had written her. We would have buried them together if we had known. I hope they meet somewhere in the Beyond or in the Fade.  
“Ir abelas Elandrin.” I whisper. 

We lay his body on a wooden bed starched to his halla. The grave where his tree will stand is a mile off the shem village so it will be a long walk. Once we reach it it’ll be close to sunset. 

Elandrin is laid to rest just as the Sun dips low in the sky. I fill the grave with fertile earth then gently plant and water the seed. I release the harness from Elandrin’s halla. It quietly bows in front of the grave then goes its separate way. Elandrin’s wolf sniffs the earth, licks it once, then disappears into the thicket.  
I gather my items and walk back to the stronghold. The time had come for full out war it seems.


	7. And The Old Gods Were Silent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A culture lost. A city gone. The crawl towards a new dawn. The Maker’s Light will shine on all.

7\. An Abandoned Culture

They had taken Halamshiral. What was one small village on the outskirts. Nevra covers her son’s whimpers. He’s so small and frail and would not survive in the woods with her if she were to flee.   
“Chercher dans la zone.” Lord Demetrius orders. Reluctantly, they begin their search. Most were uninterested in such grunt work preferring what comes after the most. Their memories stir with the carnage, the fire, the way that the warrior elves fought. That is where they would rather be, at the forefront, seeking glory in the name of The Maker, Andraste, and the Most Holy.   
“Plus rapide!” Demetrius shouts.   
At once chevaliers go about turning over every stone to find those who were lucky enough to escape before, but not lucky enough to escape now. Nevra was one of those elves. She had fled from a village deep within the Emerald Graves, heavy with child, hoping that Halamshiral would be protection enough. When the shems started to move in deeper she decided to move past Halamshiral, into minor villages, but the war caught up to her and her luck had run out.

The babe squirms against her chest. He feels the tense atmosphere. Small whimpers start to form in his chest. His little body writhes in frustration and fear.   
Nevra panics and tries to coo to her child, wanting to reassure it but to no avail. The babe’s wails fill the air and give away their hiding spot. At an instant a gloved hand grabs her by the hair. The chevalier lifts her up.   
“Parlez-vous la langue commune?” He asks her bluntly.   
“N-No I can speak like the other shem.” Nevra responds.   
Demetrius and Sister Amity approach her. Sister Amity holds her arms out for the child. Nevra holds her babe closer, denying her.  
“My dear elf,” Sister Amity says in a heavy accent, “What god do you follow?”   
“I follow th-the only ones I’ve known.” Nevra replies her face contorted in pain as the chevalier’s grip tighten a smidge. She should not have refused the chantry sister’s “kind offer” to hold the babe.   
“Idiot, calme, nues ne devons pas lui faire puer.” Demetrius demands.   
The chevalier loosens his grip.   
Nevra is able to move and calm her babe back to sleep.   
“Join us dear elf, we shall not harm those who see the Makers light.”   
Nevra looks around her. Elves that had been found were corralled into a corner of the village. The chevaliers encircle them as they sit on their mounts, lances pointed at the group of elves.   
“That could be me in there…” Nevra thinks to herself. She looks down, “That could be us.”   
“Do not do it da’len! If we fall we fall together! Our people will not be subjugated!” An elven man shouts at her but is quieted by a blow to his nose. The blood gushes down his face like a waterfall. “The price is always blood. Freedom always costs blood.” Nevra thinks.   
“Think well my dear elf, for the sake of your salvation and the salvation of your child.” Sister Amity says calmly. Her voice was not threatening but Nevra knew they held truth.   
Nevra looks down at her child.  
“The poor babe will never see Halamshiral, will never know how the sun sets over the forest as the halla graze. Will never see the Emerald Knights with their Guardians parade around on patrol. He will never know the beauty of being surrounded by his people. Yet is death better? Should they be condemned to die for something as trifle as faith. The old gods certainty had not heard her pleas maybe this Maker held some merit? it certainty seemed to lead its followers to a surprising victory streak.”   
“I will follow the maker.” She finally responds.   
“The light of The Maker shines again!” Sister Amity exclaims, “Come dear elf, come so you may hear and learn and worship the Chant of Light.” She leads Nevra to a tent in the Orlesian camp.   
At once the elves that are corralled glare at her. The man who took a blow is absolutely repulsed with the sight of her. He lifts the corner of his lip to release an indignant scowl.   
“May the Dread Wolf catch your scent da’len.” He says to her. “For the betrayal of your people.”   
The other elves look at her as if she had wronged each and everyone of them.  
“It is for my babe and his future.” She reassures herself. 

Nevra was given a sleeping sack. In which she was finally able to enjoy. She had spent the entire day praying to the idols of Andraste. The sisters made her repeat the Chant until she could recite it without stuttering or pausing and straight from memory. Her babe snuggles his face into the warmth of the blanket. “My little da’len. I’m sorry. Our home is lost.” Nevra’s face flushes from the slight sting of loss and her eyes begin to pool with warm tears. “Our people lost.” The babe looks up at her. He senses his mother’s sorrow and is confused. To him he had everything his mamae, a bottle of milk, and and a warm place to sleep. His little eyes suddenly light up with joy and he offers his mother a toothless smile. Nevra looks down and smiles back sadly.   
“My sweet boy.” She blows out her candle and snuggles deep within the sleeping sack. Her hand snakes around her babe’s body and they drift into a slow slumber. As the repetitive sounds of shovels digging into the earth lulls then to sleep from the other side of the camp. It is the construction of a shallow grave for those of who could not abandon the pride of their culture and who will now be dragged or shoveled into the ditch in the name of the Maker. Yes in her mind, Nevra had chose wisely. The old gods remain silent. They were nothing more than a culture abandoned. Nothing more than the past.


	8. The Last Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A challenge with an outcome no one foresaw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m glad you are all enjoying this!

8\. The Last Battle 

Carnage everywhere. The bodies piled high creating mounds over the landscape, like tiny hills. Blood soaked into the soil and the rot of elven and human bodies sunk into the earth. Is that really to be my fate? The fate of my people? All around me death, was there really to be no appeasement? My sword was heavy and as cold as the corpses. Evanura never failed me before, I doubt it would fail me now when I need it the most. The battle was bloody, a massacre of elves. It started early morning and ended when the sun was low and the sky reflected the hues of crimson and orange and yellow.  
“Lindiranae, we cannot continue. Our forces are vastly outnumbered. The Emerald Knights are no longer. We have no way of escape. At this point all we can make them do is work for it.” Rajmael said quietly. His voice an interruption to my thoughts.  
“I’m aware...get the remaining troops back to camp...I have something I must do.” I command and despite my fear my voice is unwavering. Rajmael looks at me expression and nods solemnly.  
“Do us proud. For what it is worth...It was an honor to have you lead us sister.” He bowed deeply before me then went back to camp. I pick up my shield, it is heavier than I had remembered but now is not the time to falter. I must carry the weight of my people. I move mechanically to the middle of the battlefield. I do not hide. The shems take notice of me and the two leaders that are left make their way down to me. With a train of warriors and archers following them.  
“I hope you have come to surrender.” The woman with the thick Orlesian accent says. He robes of chantry sister hide her true demonic form.  
“I have not. I have come to challenge you.” I respond and despite my worry my voice does not waver.  
The man beside her looks visibly uncomfortable. His eyes dart to mine. His expression shows something akin to sorrow. But I do not let it bother me.  
“A challenge?” She asks. Her voice almost amused. I bet the idea of shedding blood arouses her lust.  
“Yes. If I win, you leave the Dales. If you are the victor then we fall back and enter your fold.”  
“Very well. Ser Brandis prepare yourself for you are to be Andraste and the Maker’s champion.”  
The man nods quietly. His servants put on his gear. A silver helm is the last thing handed to him. The shem soldiers make a large circle as the shem champion and I begin to circle each other. This is no time for weakness. I must be victorious, my people and my home depend on me.  
His body twists in an awkward way and I lunge. Evanura scraping against a leather point on his outer thigh. He tenses but is quick to recover. I barely stop his sword from hitting my shoulder in time. I dart away the shem soldier shouting obscenities.  
“Kill the elf savage!”  
“The dirty bitch! Kill her!”  
I notice another weak point and slam my shield against his as I slash at his leg.  
“Yield…”  
It’s a faint whisper. Did he actually say it? No, not now. Why does he not attack? He is just defending himself. Fine. It will be his downfall.  
I pull away and use my shield bash his sword to the side bringing him off balance and go for his thigh. His sword instinctively blocks and cuts the back of my leg.  
I stumble but regain myself quickly. My brothers will not be slain in vain. Evanura hums in my hand and I dart towards him. Shield pressed against shield.  
The soldiers do continue to shout.  
“Yield. Please.” This time it’s clear but not loud enough so the others may hear. He’s taunting me.  
I respond by pushing against his shield with more force and forcing him back.  
He looks saddened and gets in a defensive position.  
“ATTACK HER!”  
My anger flares and I go for him again Evanura pointed at his throat. He blocks and holds my sword hostage for a second.  
“I plead you, yield.”  
My anger grows to an unmatched intensity.  
“Never.”  
I kick him back and use the momentum to slam back into him.  
He stumble but collects himself in time to stop Evanura from lopping his head off.  
His sword cuts the back of my heel and I growl in pain. I pull away and collect myself. He will pay. They will all pay for the lives they took today.  
I run again shield ready but my leg stings in protest. I slam against him. A bit weaker then before and he knocks my shield aside. Fenehdis. He’s left his side open, the fool. Evanura’s strength tingles through me, it’s hilt ice cold but a familiar cool. I lift my sword to deliver a devastating blow but a whizzing noise stops me and suddenly I cannot breath. I notice the trickle of warmth come from below my chin. Then falling to the ground. An arrow? From where? Leave it to shems to not uphold their deal. These must be the values of the Maker. 

Brandis looks at the once lively warrior in front of him. A cheer erupts from the crowd but all he feels is regret. The devastation brought to this land and for what? A crusade with little merit.  
“This isn’t the Maker’s will.” He thought. “This is murder.”  
He takes off his helm and lifts the elven maid’s body from the ground.  
“Bring my mount.”He commands his squire.  
The small boy nods and retrieves the white mare. He sets the body gently on the horse and straps her delicately to ensure the body is not disrespected in any way.  
“Where are you going?” Sister Amity asks accusingly. “There is much to celebrate, the Maker has smiled upon you.”  
“There is nothing to celebrate.”  
He collects her objects. The sword was cool to the touch. He had felt it’s cold sting when she had used it to cut him, heard it’s icy tune but now it’s dull. He sighs and gently places them in a pouch on his horse’s saddle. He takes the horse’s lead and begins his trek to the life trees. A forest full of them, all intertwining and all connected. “Something that humans lacked. Interconnection. We conquer everything without really stopping to realize how our actions might devastate the world.” He continues on his path. The forest swallowed them whole. The wind shook the foliage creating a thunderous war cry.  
“The elves.” He looks at the body on the horse. “They never waiver. Their strength in community. Do not worry. I will lay you to rest with your brothers and sisters.”  
He made his way to a spot in the Emerald Graves where there were elven ruins.  
“Here.”  
Bardis dug the grave into the earth. It was hard work but he owed it to the warrior and her people. A final gesture of mercy that was not shown to any of her people. Once the grave was deep enough he undid the straps on the body.  
“May you find peace.”  
He lays her down gently into the soil, covers her body with the earth. He slowly arises and retrieves her shield and sword and buries them with her.  
“I’m sorry.”


	9. Brighter Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories of days in the Sun. They were brighter with him.

9\. Brighter Moments 

“COME ON TAMLEN!” Lyna shouted. She was cheerfully climbing the tree. “WE’RE GONNA MISS IT!”  
“You know you're awful at espionage!” Tamlen shouted back at her. She just flashed him a smile from under her cropped black hair as she looked down at him. His face flushed. He had always thought she was beautiful. He spent many a night imagining how it would feel to kiss her plump lips and hear that playful giggle that seemed to only be for him.  
“Are you gonna hurry or am I doomed to die of old age.” She teased him.  
Tamlen shot her a fake frown but hurried to catch up to her. Today was the day he would finally give her the small ironbark band that weighed heavily in his pouch for weeks.  
“You can’t get rid of me that easily Lyna.”  
“Wouldn’t want to.”  
He smiled and they both continued their climb to the top of the cliff. They loved to go there for dinner after they completed their mandatory hunt.  
“The sunset is gonna be beautiful.” She said.  
“Yeah it probably will.”  
They set up the halla leather blanket and unpacked their food. A feast of nug bits and elfroot tea with small sap and wild berry cakes for dessert.  
“Did you make these Tam?” She inspected the delicate little cakes.  
“Mhmm.”  
“You are too sweet!”  
He chuckled and quietly fumbled with his hair.  
“Thanks Lyna. I’m glad you think so.”  
“Let’s dig in!”  
She was never one to pass on food.  
Tamlen watched her gorge as he calmly ate his own food. He loved that about her. He loved everything about her. It didn’t hurt that she was beautiful too. Cropped black hair with bangs and her vallaslin complemented her skin. The goldish color reflected off of the skin so beautifully it was hard not to look. And her eyes, pools of intensity and full of fire for adventure. She was always game for anything even if it got her into deep halla dung.  
“Are you okay Tam?” She looked at him questioning his silence.  
“Uh yeah. I’m fine.” He responded sheepishly. Had he really been staring that long?  
“You looked lost in your mind lethallin.”  
“I was just thinking...about the first time we met.”  
She laughed and only responded when she had collected herself.  
“Oh I remember that day clearly. We nearly drove Keeper Marethari mad and almost made Hahren Paivel retire from our constant sqwables.”  
“Who would have guessed that we would be friends now?”  
“I sure didn’t. At least not until the night when we celebrate our parents. You came for me when I ran off into the woods and when you saw me cry you just hugged me so close...That’s one of my favorite memories Tamlen.”  
“I–“  
“No don’t ruin this moment.”  
“Hey!”  
She laughed and then gently hugged him in glee. He hugged her back, squeezed her close to his chest. He smelled her scent of sweat and herbs. A scent he had grown to adore.  
“Tamlen, I can’t breathe.”  
He loosened his grip but didn’t let go. She didn’t either. They stayed there, limbs intertwined as they watched the sun lazily hang below the tree line. Their breaths calm. Tamlen struggles to swallow the lump of nervousness in his throat.  
“Lyna?”  
“Yes?”  
“I have something to confess.”  
“Oh?” She moved her head from his chest to look at him. Her face full of curiosity.  
“We have known each other for sometime and we’ve been friends for so long.”  
“All true.”  
“I believe we are connected. So I wanted to give you this.” Tamlen moved his hand to his pouch while still keeping one around her waist and pulled out the ring he had held on to for so many long days and presented it to her. She was quiet. He looked down at her face but only saw the tears roll down her cheeks.  
“Oh no! I’ve upset you haven’t I? I’m so stupid I knew I should have jus–“  
The kiss was abrupt and sloppy but passionate. He was too startled to reciprocate at first, but his hand slowly snaked its way up to her face. Tamlen closed his eyes as he gave into her kiss. He cupped her cheek and she rested her hands along his jaw. Her tongue darted against his trapped lip and he welcomed her invasion. Lyna slowly moved and positioned herself so she straddled his lap. His free hand squeezed her rear drawing out giggles and a slight moan. But before they continued any further she pulled away much to Tamlen’s dismay.  
“I thought you would never ask Tam.”  
She took his ring gently and slipped it on the proper finger. Dalish promise rings were adorned with something that symbolized the couple’s love. He had chosen small engravings of intertwined roots. It looked good on her finger.  
“At lath ma, vhenan.” She said.  
Tamlen took a deep breath and held her closer.  
“Ma vhenan.” He snuggled his head into her hair.  
“Vir sumeil.”  
“Yet not close enough.” She purred. Her tone stirred something within him and he felt his manhood twitch with anticipation. She felt it, she must have because she kept teasingly rubbing against it. He swallowed hard. The blood rushing to an area he wasn’t sure he was ready to give into yet.  
“Lyna…”  
“Yes?”  
“I’m not ready, f-for that.”  
She blushed bright red and scooted off his lap. “Ir abelas.”  
“Don’t worry, I just want to wait until the right time until after we...we exchange vows.”  
She blushed harder but laughed gently.  
“You’re so sweet. I don’t deserve your love.”  
Tamlen smiles and gently whispered, “I don’t deserve you.” 

Those were the best moments


	10. Travel Journals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything always goes wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the Grey Warden/Alistair chapter 1 of 2

10\. Travel Journals 

“Arf!” Tam barks and licks her face.  
“Hey! Okay! Okay!” I’m awake. I laugh and wipe the slobber off her face. That mabari was always too ready to give kisses.  
“Now who put you up to this Tam? Hmm?”  
“Arrrrf! Arf!”  
“Ah Alistair was it. Subordination amongst my ranks.”  
“Yes my beautiful and dangerous Grey Warden. You must punish that Alistair by spanking him with leather straps.” Zevran flirtatiously says from beside me.  
“AHHHH!” I scramble to cover up my indecency. “ZEVRAN HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU DO NOT ENTER MY TENT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!”  
“Ah but how else would I see the beauty of how u drool in your sleep?”  
“GET OUT!” I throw my knife at him but he was already gone.  
I start to get dressed for the day and it will be a long one for sure. It was always tough since that day with the mirror. Nothing was simple anymore. There were a few good moments but...he wasn’t there anymore. I knew that now. Ever since that night I saw what he had become. I fiddle with the promise ring I now wear around my neck. I miss him a lot but… it’s time to move on.  
I walk out my tent and am immediately greeted by Sten’s stoic face.  
“Warden.”  
“Good morning Sten.”  
I make my way over to the fire pit for breakfast and take a seat across from Wynne.  
“Morning Warden, did you sleep well?” The elderly lady was always a morning bird. “No need for the sleeping draughts again.”  
“No the nightmares have quelled. How are Alistair’s?”  
“Better as well.”  
“Good.”  
“Arf!”  
“Leave me be foul beast!”  
“Good morning Morrigan.”  
“Ah good. Maybe you can call back your mongrel”  
“Tam leave Morrigan alone. We talked about this”  
Tam whines but returns to his spot by my tent. What a good boy.  
“Hey Lyna. May I speak to you?” Alistair asks gently.  
“Sure.”  
He motions with his shoulder to follow him. I nod and get up from my stump. We walk a ways from camp.  
“What did you want to talk about Alistair.”  
“Well you see I've been thinking…”  
“Truly?”  
“Oh ha ha ha. But seriously, how are we going to get to Denerim without Lohgain knowing or anyone recognizing us.”  
“Honestly, I planned on walking in and hoping for the best.”  
“You can’t be serious.”  
“I just thought we could take on things as they come.”  
“Lyna! This isn’t a game! We are the only two Grey Wardens left and you think we can just waltz into Lohgain’s lair!”  
“I hadn’t planned that far ahead and if you want to take charge for once, be my guest.”  
He groans and covers his face with his hand.  
“Why does it always come back to this!” He shouts  
That ass!  
“Because ever since the Joining I’ve had to take charge and think on my feet while you just follow me around and criticize me!” I fold my arms and turn away. I don’t want him to see me weak.  
“Is that how I can across...no Lyna I think you’re a great leader and if it comes across as any different I apologize.”  
I sigh but smile beside myself.  
“Thank you Alistair.”  
He gives me his boyish grin and for a slight second he reminds me of Tamlen. I swallow the lump of tears in my throat.  
“Come on Alistair let’s get back to camp.” I start to walk back to camp. 

The following days were odd to say the least. I expected Alistair to be more reclusive since the day he confronted me but we seemed to be getting closer. He would pitch in with decisions and even lead the way from time to time. It was unlike him but it did take some stress off of me. So I welcome this new Alistair.  
“Lyna?”  
“Yes Alistair?”  
“I want to give you something.”  
“Hmm?”  
He smiles sheepishly and pulls out a rose.  
“Do you know what this is?”  
“Your new weapon of choice?”  
“Yes! That’s right, watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangement! Feel my thorns darkspawn! I will overpower you with rosy scent!”  
I laugh loudly and can only respond with after my sides stop hurting, “Hey, sentiment can be a pretty potent weapon.”  
“Well anyway. I picked it in Lothering and I thought how can something so beautiful grow in a place like this. In some ways it reminds me of you.”  
Oh. I couldn’t. I can’t lose him too, not one of my friends. Not again.  
But I want to. He’s so much like him. Everytime he smiles he looks just like Tamlen.  
“This was a bad idea. I’m sorry.”  
“No it wasn’t. Thank you, Alistair that was a lovely thought.”  
He smiles and I take the rose.  
It is a very pretty rose. 

I enjoy his company. He eases the pain of losing Tamlen and I think I help him too. He has a lot of pain, all bottled up. I hope I help. His past holds the pain of loss just like mine. His may be even worse.  
Tam whimpers at my feet and I let his head.  
“It’s okay boy. Just a bad dream.”  
He stops whining and I smile. Good boy. I don’t want to sleep The nightmares will be bad tonight. The archdemon’s song was loud in my head today. I sigh and get up without waking up Tam. The poor pup had a busy day. I make my way to the fire and smile when I see Alistair’s familiar figure.  
“So you can’t sleep either.”  
“I heard the song really loudly today. I didn’t think it would be a good idea to sleep.”  
“Me too. The song just kept reverberating in my head. I thought I was going to go insane.”  
Alistair chuckles then turns to me, “Me too.”  
A cold breeze passes through the camp. I shiver. The nightgown had no real warmth. I might just sleep in my armor.  
“Are you cold? Come here.”  
I move closer to him. He is so warm. I leaned against him. He seemed to stiffen but slowly wrapped his cloaked arm around me. So warm. The silence was deep allowing the song to project within my body. Small crackle noises of wood were the only thing that interrupted the tune.  
“It’s really cold out. We have to get winter supplies if we’re going to survive this type of weather.” I say. I didn’t like silence it only made the song louder.  
“That or we hunt the wolves to extinction.” Alistair’s rapier wit was still in tact.  
I laugh quietly.  
“That’s not a bad idea. Pelts we didn’t use could be sold for coin.”  
“Huh I was joking, but now that you say it, it wasn’t a bad idea.”  
“You’ve had worse.”  
“Hey.” His tone is full of mock indignation.  
We laugh quietly together for a moment then sit quietly again.  
“So all this time we spent together, you know the tragedy, the brushes with death, the constant battles with the whole Blight looming over us...will you miss it?” He asks out of nowhere.  
“Oh there will always be more battles to fight somewhere .”  
He chuckles but stops suddenly, “But that doesn’t necessarily mean we would be fighting them together. I know it might sound strange, considering we haven’t known each other for that long, but I have come to..to care for you a great deal. I think it’s because we’ve gone through so much together. I don’t know. Or maybe I’m imagining it? Maybe I’m fooling myself.”  
I stay silent this confession was abrupt but I knew what I was doing when I reciprocated or initiated the constant flirtation. I’ve been a giant fool.  
“...Am I fooling myself? Or...do you think you might ever...feel the same way about me?”  
I gulp. Fenehdis lasa Lyna. Why is all you can think about Tamlen.  
“Lyna?”  
I swallow hard.  
“I don’t know. It’s too soon to say.”  
“Well is it too soon for this?”  
His lips connect with mine and my worry melts with it. His hands cradle the back of my head. I kiss back, relishing his touch. My mind drifts back to the sunset cliff picnics. But the spot is empty now. Tamlen is dead and buried. It’s time to admit to myself that this shem was not Tamlen and would never be Tamlen. I pull away suddenly.  
“I’m sorry Alistair, but I cannot not allow myself to lose any more people. I care for you, I do but...whatever is here, it must die.”  
I’m on my feet quickly and I make a mad dash towards my tent. The tears fall before I make it back inside. They pour down my face, adorning it with hot streams. Tam whines and licks my face but I push him away. He whines but walks out. My tent flap moves. Then I feel Alistair’s arms around me.  
“Alistair...please don’t…”  
“Let me care for you.”  
“I don’t want to lose anymore…All of these victories we’ve had, it doesn’t matter. I couldn’t save the people I held dear to me. Tamlen and Duncan...now you.”  
“Lyna, you can’t hold yourself accountable for the actions of others. Duncan knee the price...Tamlen sensed the danger, you said so yourself. But don’t push me away. Don’t make that decision for me.”  
“Alistair…”  
“You don’t need to say anything.”  
He holds me until my body stops shaking. A calm quiet for once.  
“Thank you.” I finally whisper. 

“Lyna...I–Alright I guess I really don't know how to ask you this?” Alistair says as he comes up to me.  
“Are you sweating?” I ask, a little amused.  
“No! I mean yes! I’m a little nervous not sure, not that this is anything bad or frightening or….well yes.” His words are rapid fire and my head can’t wrap around them. “Oh how do I say this? You think it would be easier, but every time I’m around you, I feel as if my head’s about to explode. I–I can’t think straight.”  
“Oh? Thanks a lot.” My tone was just in good jest but his face recoils in nervousness.  
“I don’t mean it like that.” He sighs and rubs his face with his hand. “I mean… all right, let me start over.”  
I sit quietly with what I know must be a dumbfounded expression on my face.  
“Here’s the thing: being near you makes me crazy, but I can’t imagine being without you. Not ever.”  
I smile encouragingly and he returns a worried smile back.  
“I don’t know how to say this another way. I want to spend the night with you. Here, in the camp. Maybe this is too fast, I don’t know, but… I do know how I feel about you.”  
My eyes go wide and my mouth is agape. He wants to… in the camp with me tonight? Right now?  
“Th-This is so sudden, Alistair.”  
He looks at me dejectedly. I sigh and nod.  
“If you are sure you want to…” My voice is calm but within me is a storm of worry, sadness, and fear. But I cannot let that cloud me, no us. He’s part of me now too.  
“I wanted to wait for the perfect time,” he says softly, “the perfect place… but when will it be perfect?” He chuckles and gently holds my hand in his, “If things were, we wouldn’t have met.”  
I study his face. He’s handsome for a shem. Can I really do this…  
“We sort of stumbled into each other,” he continues, “And despite this being the least perfect time… I still found myself falling for you in between all the fighting and...everything else.”  
“You’re so poetic. Did they teach you that in the Chantry.” I say. The jest soothes his nerves.  
“I really don’t want to wait anymore, Lyna. I’ve never done this before. You know that…”  
I nod to let him know I’m listening.  
“I want it to be with you… while we have the chance. In case…”  
“Alistair. Don’t talk like that. There will be time later.” I say. Admittedly, a little too seriously, but how could I not when he speaks of dying. I will not lose him no matter what. I will not lose someone I love, never again.  
“Will there? You don’t know that, I don’t know that. I’d like to say that I threw caution to the wind at least once.” He whispers. His tone soft.  
“Very well, Alistair. If this is what you really want…” I say, my tone matches his.  
“I think so. I hope so.” He says then offers me a small genuine smile. How could I say no to him.  
I lead him to my tent. I had no real experience in this. I gulp. He also looks lost. Fenehdis. I take off my clothes. He stares and blushes. My own cheeks get hot and I move to cover myself up.  
“S-Stop staring…” I command meekly.  
“Ah sorry...it’s just...Maker I’m the luckiest man alive.”  
I blush harder. That dope. I smile at him and gently tug on his clothes. He blushes but seems to get the idea. Alistair fumbles with his clothing and I enjoy watching him struggle. It made this less awkward. He manages to untangle himself from his undershirt and I let out a small laugh.  
“Well...Ah yes.” He says then chuckles.  
“You are a sight yourself.” I tease but I mean it. He’s muscular from years of templar training. But you wouldn’t notice it under all that armor. Alistair chuckles.  
“Now it’s you who is staring Lyna.”  
I laugh quietly. Then undo my breast band. Alistair gulps and his eyes widen.  
“It’s okay...we can stop at any time or slow down whenever you need to.” I reassure him and he visibly relaxes.  
“Thank you Lyna.”  
I smile and lean in close. “It’s no problem, Alistair.” I kiss him gently. His lips trapped loosely in mine. I feel Alistair’s hand hesitantly move up to my breasts. He gently plays with the nipple until it sticks out from the attention coaxing moans I didn’t know I could produce.He gains confidence and the kiss gets hungrier more insistent. He moves his weight on top of me and pulls me close. He pulls away and takes off his small clothes.  
“U-Uh wait…”  
“Maker’s breath I’m sorry did I hurt you.”  
His hands inspect me for injury.  
“No it’s just… I’ve never… this is my first…” I can’t get the sentence to form.  
“Hey. Lyna,” Alistair interrupts, “As slow as we need to go.” He smiles and I feel reassured.  
“Thank you Alistair.”  
I notice he isn’t as stiff as he was. Now that I know how to fix. I gently pin him to the the furs that make up my bedding. He watches, curiously, but allows me to continue. I kiss my way down his neck to his torso.  
I hope I am doing this right.  
I lick the tip of his cock. Alistair takes a deep breath and looks down at me. I slowly start to suck the tip and I move my hands tenderly along the shaft. He grunts and pants a bit. The breaths become more ragged. I get bolder. I take more of him in my mouth. Alistair moans loudly. I feel him get harder in my mouth.  
I stop and slowly position him against my sex. Deep breathes, Lyna. I slowly slide it in and flinch a bit. He coos and kisses me gently.  
“Go as slow as you need to.”  
I nod and slowly slide the rest of him inside. He moans and gently thrusts. It’s uncomfortable at first but it soon starts to feel pleasurable.  
“Oh Alistair ~” I moan.  
His hips move without real rhythm. I try to match the speed at least and soon a knot starts to form.  
“Ah- Alistair I feel–“  
“Me too. Just keep moving like that.”  
I move my hips faster, riding him. He grabs my hips and moves me in a frantic rhythm.  
I finish first. Unwinding and unraveling before him. He pulls out and spews his seed on my stomach.  
“A-Ah sorry let me get that.” Alistair says. He picks up his undershirt and wipes off his seed.  
“That was better than I expected it to be.” I say.  
He chuckles and lays down. I snuggle against him. Alistair plays with my hair and I giggle.  
“May the Maker strike me down now. This couldn’t be more perfect.” He whispers in my ear.  
“I wouldn’t let him.” I say with mock seriousness.  
“Taking on two gods might not be a good idea. This one’s proving to be a pain and worst of all, it sings.”  
“It could be worse.”  
“How?” Alistair asks.  
“It could tell jokes as bad as yours.”  
We laugh and I know that I want this feeling to last. 

Alistair barges into the room as we all sit around the giant table.  
“Stop talking ye big rock!” Oghren shouts.  
“I will squish you. I cannot believe we used to be the same thing. Ugh, no wonder I chose to become a golem. You are disgusting and squishy.” Shale retorts.  
Leliana and Zevran laugh as Wynne, Sten, and Morrigan ignore the situation.  
I smile and pet Tam.  
“We need to talk.” Alistair says to me. His expression is stoic and his stance is stiff.  
“Of course.” I say. He looked so dashing in his kingly armor.  
“I’m don’t want to question why you made me king. I even think I’m starting to come around to the idea anyhow. It could be an interesting future for me.”  
“All in a day's work Ali.” I say teasingly.  
His face remains stoic. He looks at his feet.  
“But being king… that raises questions about us. About you and me.” His voice is grave.  
“What sort of questions?” I ask. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard I think he can hear it. Everyone is quiet now. The air is heavy with the somber cloud that looms over us.  
“First, there’s the fact that both you and I are Grey Wardens. It’s not just a question of obligation, but of blood. You know that Grey Wardens don’t usually live to become old right?”  
“Yes. I’m aware.” My tone is haughty now.  
“As king I will be required to have a child. Even more so because my death is assured. That’s assuming someone with the taint can even or even should have a child.”  
“Don’t Grey Wardens have children.”  
“Not with each other. Even one parent with tainted blood means having children is not recommended. All the Grey Wardens I knew with children had them before they joined the order.”  
I listen. I know where this conversation is headed. All I can do is wait for it to be over.  
“I will need to find a wife. One who can bear a child,” He continues. The tips of my ears begin to get hot and my eyes start to sting but I don’t let it show.  
“Who will live to raise it.” He adds. My hands start to shake and suddenly I wish I had died with Tamlen. He notices and a gentle but sorrowful smile forms on his lips. Lips that told me they loved me and I believed it. Like the knife eared fool I am.  
“I don’t relish it… but I will have a duty as the king.”  
I swallow the hard lump in my throat. I knew what was coming next.  
“I love you. More than I ever thought possible.” He says. Almost convincing me that he does. Damn him. My clan was right shems are not worth it.  
“But… I have to face what this means. I can’t run away from it anymore.”  
“So you’re saying we can’t be together?” My voice cracks. Fenehdis.  
“Yes. I Guess I am. I could see it becoming hard to tear myself away from you impossible even.” Liar. He continues, “If this is what must be, then… then I have to do it now. I’m sorry.”  
“So what happens now? Are you leaving?” I say. I’m trying to keep this civil but every muscle in my body wants me to run and scream and fall into a rage.  
“No,” He responds, “We still have our duty as Grey Wardens to fulfill. That hasn’t changed.”  
But he has.  
“So this is it. It’s over.” My tone is calm now. It’s all a facade the group is watching. I will not allow them to see me shatter. Not him, not anyone. No one will see me weak. Not after this.  
“I think it is best. For both our sakes.” He says. His voice so full of sadness. I almost believe he is sorry.  
“You’ll be a good king.”  
I call Tam over.  
“Arl Eamon has left for Redcliffe. He says the army has gathered there and is almost ready to march.” He uses his new found kingly tone.  
I nod.  
“As soon as we’re ready, we should head to Redcliffe ourselves. The Blight awaits, right?”  
I nod again.  
King Alistair walks off.  
“Ly–“ Leliana starts.  
“I need to be alone. Gather your things. Prepare for this battle. I will return in the morning. Those who want to still see this through should be ready by sun up. Tam stay with them make sure they don’t break anything while we’re here. We wouldn’t want to disrespect the shem king.”  
I walk to the door and make my way to my room. I lock the door behind me.  
“AGH!” I scream. My eyes well up. How could I be so fucking stupid! I should have known. Nothing goes right. Nothing ever fucking goes right. My body shakes violently as the fury consumes me. My nails dig into my palms until crescent shape tears form. My blood trickles down my hand. Except it isn’t even mine anymore, not fully. It’s tainted. Did I ever own myself. I belonged to the clan and my people, to Tamlen, to the Wardens, to Alistair. I have always belonged to my duty. I didn’t even belong to my parents. Now… I was truly alone. 

I was to be a general. What a fucking joke. King Alistair announced it to a cheering crowd this morning at his coronation. His queen stood beside him as they commended me on my accolades. The public cheered for them. The royal couple. I stood silently beside Tam and pet his head.  
“Now, who said knife ears can’t be Fereldan. Even the savage ones love the mabaris!” A man shouts. King Alistair hears it but stays silent. He looks at me from the corner of his eye but I offer him no emotion.  
“Thank you all for attending. Your King, my husband,” Anora announces. She said that part to hurt me probably. Pay back for killing her father. “Will fight alongside his Grey Warden companion in order to save us all. I can only hope for their safe return and that the Maker’s light shine on them both.” She smiles and waves to the roaring crowd below. King Alistair leans in and kisses her gently. I just keep my attention on Tam who has been enjoying my seemingly constant doting. Even the servants give him belly rubs every now and then.  
We make our way to the throne room but Anora stops me. “I meant it you know. I do hope the Maker watches over you.” She says.  
“With all do respect shem queen, I don’t need your Maker. I need a really sharp sword.” I respond.  
“Lyna, that was uncalled for.” King Alistair says. There’s that kingly tone again.  
“You’re right. I do apologize, Queen Anora. With your leave I must speak to Lord Teagan about some tactical matters. King Alistair this concerns you.”  
King Alistair looks at Anora for permission. She nods and we make our way to the study but before I can enter Alistair grabs my arm.  
“Stop ignoring my presence.” Alistair commands.  
“As you command.” I retort. I wait for him to let go and open the doors.  
Teagan is at a table surrounded by advisors and generals. I walk towards Teagan. “May I have a word with you Teagan. It regards the king’s safety. While your liege has been a part of my group I think it best that he ride with the soldiers. It’s good for moral and they would provide a far safer alternative to traveling with my ragtag group.”  
“Hmm, you do pose a good idea.” Teagan says as he rubs his whiskers.  
“What. No I will not allow that. I ride with whomever I please.” Alistair says.  
“Alistair, as king, we must consider your safety.” Teagan advises. “You ride with your troops. We’re already allowing you to see this through. We can’t allow non Therin blood on the throne. Especially if Anora is barren.”  
Alistair glares at me. “As you wish, Uncle.” He says.  
“With your leave, I want to get a head start to Redcliffe.” I ask.  
“Go.” Alistair commands. “Safe journey.”  
I salute him and make my way towards the door. 

 

“I’ll do it.” My tone is firm.  
“What?! No I will not allow it!” Alistair shouts.  
“This is Grey Warden duty. You’re king. I will do it.” I say, more forceful this time.  
Riordan senses the tension between Alistair and I but chooses to ignore it and chuckle. “Don’t be so quick to throw away your life young one,” he says, “I am senior commanding officer. I will be the one making the sacrifice.”  
I fold my arms as Alistair fumes beside me.  
“Now you both best get some rest. We have a long battle ahead and you will need all your strength.”  
We both salute him and make our way out the door. Alistair pulls me aside.  
“So that’s your master plan is it. Dying?” He snaps.  
“King Alistair, I have a long battle ahead of me, I should get some rest.” I respond emotionlessly.  
“We have a long battle ahead. I will not let you throw your life away do–“  
“THIS IS MY DUTY!” I shout at him. “You chose yours.” I push past him and make my way to my room.  
“My friend…”  
“What is it Morrigan.”  
“I know of the price a Grey Warden pays.”  
I pack what I will need into my sack.  
“So...the twit finally ended it. ‘‘Tis most unfortunate. I am sorry.” Morrigan says. I turn around and see her standing in my doorway.  
I sigh. “Morrigan, I don’t want to talk about it.”  
“I know, that is not why I came…” Her face is grave. 

Riordan’s dead. His body lay many stories below me. But the Archdemon will die here. I lift my sword and bury it into its head. It screeches and my sword vibrates with the song. The light it’s so blinding...it hurts. My entire body hurts. It’s tearing through me. Starting at my hands making its way through my veins. The old god screams. The taint screams. I scream. The pain was unbearable but it would soon be over. Everything would soon be over.


	11. Death Would Have Been Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The choices we make reflected in the lives we live.

11\. Death Would Have Been Better 

I awoke at the top of the Fort Drakon. So it works. Morrigan had been telling the truth. But I don’t understand. I should not be here.  
“Warden!” Wynne runs towards me.  
“Are you alright? Do you need healing?” Wynne interjects.  
Her hands glow and move along my body. It healed the cuts and bruises but not the empty feeling I had within.  
“You should be good to stand now dear.” Wynne says.  
“Arf!” Tam barks and barrages towards me.  
“Hey pup, miss me?” I say.  
Tamlen licks my face and I chuckle.  
“I missed you too.” I say as I pet his head.  
“You’re alive good.” Sten says stoically but I know he was worried.  
“My beautiful dashing hero Warden! She lives! Ahaha!” Zevran shouts. I smile and he embraces me gently.  
Leilana hugs me next.  
“I prayed to the Maker that he shine his light on you and he did.” She says  
I don’t feel light. I feel vacant. There is no light within me. I know what Morrigan has festering in her womb has what would have killed me, but I still feel empty.  
“Oh so you were able to squish the archdemon, good.” Shale’s voice resonates from far off. I chuckle.  
“Gah! Warden! I knew you could do it!” Oghren shouts.  
I smile and wave at him.  
“So it’s over.” Alistair walks over slowly. “It’s done.”  
I nod and salute him.  
“Lyna, you… you…” He starts but I don’t listen. It hurts too much to listen. We walk out towards the thunderous cheering crowd amidst the darkspawn corpses. Praise from all corners. And I’m still so empty. 

The reception is unnecessary. The majority of these people didn’t even believe in my cause two months ago. I sigh. All this pomp and posture, it drains me.  
“How about this one?” Leliana asks.  
“Mhmm that one is just fine.” I’m say.  
“Lyna. I was holding up a dish rag. What troubles you?”  
“I just don’t want to see these people.”  
“They all adore you.”  
“They don’t… they never will.”  
“You saved them Lyna. They love you.”  
“It is conditional… they will forget about what I did.”  
“Lyna… Is this really about the ball or is it about Al-“  
“Don’t, don’t go there please.” My voice is low but she hears it.  
“I’m sorry that he hurt you. Alistair didn’t deserve to have your love.” Leilana coos. Her arms wrap around me and I sigh.  
“Thank you Leilana. You helped. Now let’s find a something suitable for this menagerie.”  
She laughs. I hope I made her feel better. 

Alistair says his speech but I’m not listening. He looks at me but I just keep my arms behind me and my gaze on the crowd. I feel his intensity but if I look I know I would wallow in the same hurt that I had when he left me.  
“I would like to thank Warden Lyna for her efforts against the Blight and the Archdemon.” Anora says.  
“And thus dub her, the Hero of Ferelden.” Alistair finishes.  
The crowd cheer and like a good hero, I smile and wave. We walk through the crowd into the main throne room. Finally. Peace. A guard gently taps my arm.  
“I’m sorry Warden Lyna, the king requests your presence in his study.” She says.  
I sigh. Guess peace will have to wait.  
“Yes, thank you.” I say  
“My lady, thank you. My family is safe because of you.” Her voice is so sincere. I smile kindly. For the first time in a few days.  
“May they live long and happy lives.” I say. She smiles so brightly. It’s infectious.  
“Thank you.” She says then salutes and walks away. 

What could Alistair possibly want with me? Best to get this over with. I make my way to the study and tap lightly on the door.  
“Come in.” Alistair commands.  
“Alistair, you wanted to see me?” I say as I walk in.  
“Yes. Lyna.” He motions for me to walk in. I do so and close the door behind me.  
“The dress suits you.” Alistair comments. His hand sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.  
“You didn’t call me here to talk about my fashion.” My tone is cold and I keep it firm.  
“No, I didn’t.”  
He sighs. “I received two letters today. One from Orlais, Celene wants to throw you a ball.”  
I groan and he chuckles.  
“I knew you would say that,” he says, “and two from the Anderfels. They want to know how you survived. What should I tell them?”  
“The truth.” I respond.  
“The truth?!”  
“Yes.”  
“I think I’ll pass.”  
“Is that all.”  
“Yes but Lyna… I-“  
I salute him and start to walk away but he grabs my arm.  
“Lyna wait!”  
I stop walking but don’t turn to look at him.  
“You seem different. I know what I did was not fair and all the rewards and parades can not make up for breaking your heart. I’m sorry. But I don’t want to see you like this. You’re cold and empty. You’re hurting. Tell me what I can do to make it up to you.”  
He thinks that I’m torn up about him!  
“You think this is about you breaking up with me?” I turn to him. The rage frothing over. “This has nothing to do with that! How self absorbed can you be! I am upset because I chose to die that night Alistair! I chose to die, and just like the Joining, like Tamlen, like my mother, like Duncan, and like you… the decisions that led to this… they weren’t even mine. I didn’t get to make them. I believed I at least could decide my death. But you swooped in and decided my fate for me.” I say. Pure venom dripping off my words. He stands there silent and startled with tears in his eyes.  
“I love you, I didn’t want to see you die.”  
“Fenedhis Alistair! Even now you won’t admit it!”  
“Admit what?!”  
“YOU DIDN’T LOVE ME! I SET ASIDE EVERYTHING FOR YOU! MY CLAN AND MY DUTY!”  
He stands still.  
“And you couldn’t do the same for me. Love comes with its own duties.” I continue. I’m going in for the kill.  
“YOU MADE ME KING!” He shouts suddenly.  
“BECAUSE I BELIEVED YOU WERE KIND AND LOYAL! THAT YOU COULD BE CAPABLE!” I shout back. I look at him for the first time in weeks. I want him to see how empty he left me. The intensity of the frustration of feeling nothing. Not hurt and anguish or joy and love. How exhausted I am from having to just be.  
He falls to his knees in tears. I’m breathe hard, my lungs clawing for air. We stay like this. A long drawn out silence.  
“What do you want me to do Lyna?” He begs. “Just tell me and I’ll do it.”  
“Endure.” My voice is soft now. “You made the choice and now you must endure, as I have and will continue to do.”  
“I’m sorry…”  
“Apologies fix nothing.” I say.  
“I don’t know what else to say.” He looks up at me and for the second time in my life I see the shattered boy before me. Timid and meek.  
“I don’t have answers for you, Alistair. I do not command you anymore.”  
He slowly stands to his feet. My arm still in his hand.  
“Then I won’t say anything.” He whispers.  
Alistair pulls me close and kisses me. I writhe and try to escape but… I don’t want to. My lips relish the familiarity. The feelings bottled at the bottom now released, leaving me confused. A convoluted mess of emotions. Do I want this? No. I can’t. Anora thinks him loyal. But what does she matter? It isn’t right. This isn’t right! But it feels so good to be… No. I shove him off. He looks at me confused and hurt.  
“No. I will not allow you to play with me, not again. Never again, Alistair. You hurt me, do not hurt Anora too.” I command.  
I walk towards the door and let myself out, making sure to slam it. I hope the whole castle heard that. It is the sound of my choice. The choice to be empty but still it felt as if it were the right one.

 

Orlais is something else alright. The ball is held for me in the Winter Palace in Halamshiral. The comedy they must see in this cruel joke is beyond me. More importantly, it is not funny. This is where the shems took my people’s home from them. Now they flaunt it before me.  
It’s been months since I killed the Archdemon and a couple of weeks since I killed the talking darkspawn. I even had a new title, Warden Commander and Arlessa of Amaranthine. How I came to be an Arlessa is beyond me, but it didn’t hurt that I could boss shems around. Not that I did. That would reflect badly on my people and I had plenty of things that want me dead so it is best to not add shems to that list. But these shems. They are like a different breed. Traveling with Leliana could not prepare me for this type of shem. They are vain and fickle. They wear these masks that hide what their face looks like and it is accepted. Their customs are so strange.  
I sigh heavily.  
“It’s only for a week Lyna,” I say to myself, “then you can go back to Amaranthine.”  
“Oh, you plan on leaving so soon my deadly beautiful Warden? That is most unfortunate I planned on being here for a while just for you!”  
“Zev?!” I look behind me and smile widely. “Zev!” I hug him close.  
“My friend! How have you been?” Zevran asks following it with a cheerful smile.  
“I have been better. There’s much to talk about. Join me for tea?”  
“I would love to.”  
I lead him to small table on the balcony of my quarters. The tea had already been set up and a small tray of tiny cakes sit beside the kettle. A beautiful display.  
“How did you get past the guards?” I ask.  
“I may not be a Crow anymore but I do still have the required skill set.” He responds in a flashy manner.  
“Funny as I remember it stealth and lock picking were not your best skills.” I tease him.  
“Warden! You wound me!”  
I laugh for the first time in a long while.  
“So tell me everything that has been going on with you in the last few months.” He says.  
I sigh.  
“Where do I begin,” I start. “Well it started six months after I came back from Weisshaupt…” 

“Truly? Darkspawn that are sentient?” Zevran asks dumbfounded.  
“Yes it was almost a de facto war. They split into two factions. One with this Architect creature and the other The Mother. I had never seen talking darkspawn before. I’m waiting for the response to my report but since I am not just Warden Commander, I’m also Arlessa of Amaranthine, I had to come to this horrid place by request of His and Her Majesties of Ferelden.”  
Zevran rests his head on his palms after taking a sip from his tea.  
“I think it might be revenge due to some problems I caused with the Banns of Amaranthine.” I say sheepishly.  
“Well, I was pleased to hear you were coming. There were rumors that Alistair was not pleased with your vacancies in court. That you sent attachés and royally pissed him off,” Zevran comments, “What did he offer or threaten you with?”  
“He threatened to extend my title of Arlessa for another 2 years.” I say begrudgingly.  
“Ahahaha! Yes, that does sound awful.”  
“Now by request of many majesties I am here. See Zevran this isn’t the part people tell you about being a hero. The obligatory attention from people who would rather you be dead.”  
“Lyna… You have friends. We may not be many but you have us. You helped all of us by being there. You even got through to Shale and Sten. Which maybe the same thing come to think of it.”  
I laugh then smile warmly.  
“Point being, you don’t have to endure alone.” Zevran says as he gently holds my hand.  
I hug him startling him but he soon returns the embrace.  
“Thank you Zev.” I whisper.  
Being in Amaranthine allowed me to warp my vacant feeling. I knew when people needed to be reassured that I was fine. That I felt. But I didn’t, not really. It was livable though. Comfortable almost and better than when all I felt was hurt. Better than the pain of being able to be hurt. Yes this was the right choice.  
I let go of Zevran and chuckle.  
“I should really get ready Leilana will kill me if I don’t actually show up and Alistair already proved he’s not keen on idle threats.”  
Zevran nods and kisses my forehead.  
I watch him disappear into the shadows and hear the door click. I suppose it’s time to be done with this. 

It’s...it is...it covers nothing! My gown is just nude tulle. It is completely transparent. There are giant diamond clusters that protect my decency but this is too much. Who chose this!? Who would wear this?! These shems are insane if they believe I will wear this to the ball.  
“Ah good you’re dressed.” Leliana's sing song voice flutters from the door.  
“Hardly.” I glower.  
She giggles.  
“Celene chose it for you and Anora agreed.” She says.  
“They wanted me to wear this? Did I really piss off Anora and Alistair that much?”  
“Quite. But this is also what is fashionable for women this season. The nudity allows for nothing to be hidden. The gems show the shine of purity. Your’s has a custom pattern. It is the symbol of the elven goddess you wear on your face.”  
“Mythal?”  
“Yes!”  
“The goddess of protection.” And Motherhood… so it’s one big joke. A crueler one than hosting this ceremony in Halamshiral.  
“You must be very proud that they see you as the protector.” She says. Of course she is oblivious. She still believes in mercy.  
I smile. She returns it but I know she doesn’t believe it. She is able to sense my displeasure and says nothing.  
“Let’s go Leilana. Best to be fashionably late. Yes?” I say.  
She nods and I make my way down to the kennels.  
“Tam!” I shout.  
Tam barks and his stumpy tail wags.  
“You ready to go?”  
“Arf!” He barks as he jumps around happily.  
“Good boy. We best hurry. Leilana is waiting.”  
He barks and runs towards the carriage that was to take us to the Winter Palace. Creators help me get through this night. 

“Now announcing Lyna Mahariel. Warden Commander, Arlessa of Amaranthine, Hero of Ferelden, Vanquisher of the Fifth Blight, and Savior of Amaranthine!” The small shem’s voice projects so much it fills the hall. Then silence. Everyone turns to look at me. Leilana gently nudged me forward and I move as she has helped me practice. Head and chin up, shoulders back, arms behind me, move as if you are a goddess who is floating. But most importantly do not show any sign of emotion on your face. Let the walk speak for you.  
I walk towards the center of the chamber. Empress Celene seems quite young. I am to bow before a shem child, can I be embarrassed any further. Is there no end to this subjugation? I remain emotionless as I make my way up the stairs to where the Empress stands with her cousin, a Duke, and beside him King Alistair and Queen Anora. I bow deeply knowing that will send the Ferelden monarchy into a slight frenzy.  
“Rise.” Celene instructs.  
I do so gracefully.  
She seems amused. Good.  
“My lady Warden, we do hope we get to hear of your marvelous adventures. Everyone at court has been speaking about you for months. Tell me what do you make of Halamshiral?” Her heavy accent makes my ears twitch as she speaks.  
“It is absolutely unimaginable. I could never do justice to such a palace with any words I have in my arsenal. I extend my gratitude to you Majesty for throwing such an event in my honor.” I respond monotonously  
She seems pleased. Good. One less angry shem to worry about.  
“I hope you will join us in a dance later.” Celene says. Not really inquiring mostly to test for reaction.  
“It would do me a great honor.” I respond then bow deeply once again and make my way towards the side steps.  
Fen’Harel take them.  
“My lady Warden, a moment if you may.” A weird masked shem says as he leans on the banister.  
He holds Tam on a decorated rope but he was getting impatient.  
“Be calm mutt.” The shem man proclaims.  
“That mutt not only has a name but is a decorated senior office who outranks you, and should be treated as such. I think some royal refreshments and dog treats will make up for it.” I say.  
Tam’s tail wags and he seems pleased enough.  
The shem man skulks into the corner and I make my way to the balconies that overlook the garden. I wonder how Halamshiral would have looked like before the shemlen. Would it be beautiful? Would it be a pillar of power? It did not matter. This is not our era.  
“It has been a while Lyna. You look like an experience.” Alistair says.  
“Hnn.” I respond.  
“Hnn? That’s all you have to say? After years of ignoring my missives and summons, all you say is hnn?”  
“What would you rather me say?”  
“I don’t know maybe I’m sorry Alistair for ignoring you or I’m sorry for not telling you about more darkspawn even though I was in danger.” He says angrily.  
“Does it matter.” My tone is dry.  
“You know you are insufferable! Completely insufferable. You know that?”  
“I have been told once or twice.”  
Alistair sighs heavily.  
“You make it impossible to be happy with you and impossible to be cross with you.” He says.  
“I am an experience.” I retort.  
He laughs quietly.  
“Quite,” he says, “How have the years treated you?”  
“Did you really follow me out here to catch up?”  
“Yes.”  
“Alistair, we are not friends. We are not enemies. We are nothing anymore. You made that choice and I accepted it. Why must you press this matter further?”  
“I have a favor to ask of you.”  
“Right, let’s hear it.” I say then turn to him.  
“I hear the song when it is quiet. I don’t know what it means but even after the sentient darkspawn were killed. I don’t know. Maybe it’s nothing.”  
“Hmm, I have heard whispers too. Soft but ever present.”  
“I would not ask if I knew you were not capable and if I were not desperate.”  
I sigh and look down. To put my life on the line for a fruitless mission. But it would allow me to leave for a long time. Away from this all. Away from the Wardens too.  
“I accept.” I say.  
“You do? That worked?” Alistair says confused.  
I nod and gently lift the skirts of my dress to bow before him.  
He blushes. People watch in awe.  
“I promise before you your Majesty. I Warden Lyna Mahariel will search for that of which you asked of me.” I say nobly. It’s all for posturing but also this is to annoy Alistair. He grips my hand and I know it worked.  
“Thank you noble Warden.”  
I arise and kiss his forehead. That was to piss off Anora for the dress.  
Alistair blushes and I smirk.  
“What a wonderful display.” Anora says wryly.  
I walk off but stop to bow before Anora. A new adventure is about to start.  
“Ah there you are Tam.”  
Tam looks up from sitting on the shem man who held his rope.  
“Arf.” Tam barks as he wags his stumpy tail.  
“Come on boy. We have somewhere to be.”  
Tam takes a treat in his maw and I gently undo the rope.  
“Good boy.” I say then smile at him.  
It’s time to move on. Time to find new places.


End file.
